When my baby hurts, I hurt.

All you other mamas out there, can you agree with me when I say it is SO easy to get frustrated with a three-year-old?  Like, really easy.

My little girl is so independent and strong-willed and loud.  She has an opinion about everything.  She wants to see everything.  She wants to try everything.  She wants to do it now and she wants to do it herself

So.  With my child being this independent, I am learning that I am a bit of a control freak.  I want to do things now and I want to do it my way and I can do it so much faster and I have absolutely no patience.  {I can't imagine where Ayla gets it...}

In our house this equals a lot of yelling.  Not angry mean yelling, just your average Keene Family hollering.  It goes something like:

Ayla:  I want to do it all myself!

Me:  Let me help you.

Ayla: NO, I'M DOING IT.

Me:  That's not how you do it-just let me-oh my gosh, LET ME DO IT.

Ayla:  I'MMM DOINGGG ITTTT.

Me: Oh.  My.  Gosh.  Fine.  Do it yourself.

Ayla:  Hey mom, can you help me?

Me:  Ugh.  Seriously?

This sort of thing happens daily.  Just ask poor Kyle.  Ayla and I hollering and throwing tantrums all over the place.  I get so frustrated with her and it's so easy for me to instantly get impatient and angry and raise my voice.

You know what makes me feel terrible about this?  Not when Ayla yells back or screams back.  Not when things are awesome and I think back on our yelling.  Not when I catch someone unrelated to me looking at me like I'm a psycho for arguing with my child like I should be arguing with a sister.

No.  What makes me feel terrible is when my baby gets hurt.  When my little girl is in pain, I am in pain.  Literal physical pain.  My heart hurts, my head hurts, my throat hurts from holding back the lump because I want to cry.  I would give anything, absolutely anything, to take away the pain that my baby is feeling.

On Memorial Day my little girl got hurt.  We were having so much fun roasting mallows around the fire pit.  Ayla came walking over and tripped over her cousins foot and feel face-first onto the edge of the fire pit.  The concrete edge.  I saw it happen in what felt like slow motion.  Her face hit and I thought for sure that we would be heading to the hospital.  Kyle flew to her in record speed while I sat there feeling paralyzed and terrified.  I saw his hand and her hands fill up with blood, I saw blood running down her shirt and I thought the worst.  I thought her teeth were going to be gone, her nose would be broken, her face would be split open... I didn't even want to see it.  Blood doesn't bother me at all.  I could see pictures and videos of horrible wounds all day.  But when it is my child, I go weak in the knees.  My chest gets tight and I can't breathe.  I feel light-headed.  I am basically useless when my baby needs me the most.

I grabbed paper towels and started mopping up the blood.  My baby was screaming.  She had massive tears streaming down her cheeks.  She was shaking.  It was horrible.  She let us look at her enough to see that her two front teeth had gone through her upper lip.  Right through them.  She kept spreading her lip out and she'd start screaming all over again.  She would touch it and start screaming all over again.  We had her holding ice to it.  She was SO sad.

Kyle and I packed her up and put her in the car.  She sad quietly in the back seat holding her ice to her lip.  I said, "Baby, do you want to go home or do you want to stop at Macey's?"  {I was burned terribly and had planned on picking up some tea to give myself a tea bath}  She whimpered, "Macey's."  I knew she would.  Even in tears and in pain my girl wants to go to the store.  Always.

She rode around in one of their little cars attached to the carts.  She was so cute with her insanely swollen lip.  Talking to Kyle and I, being playful and sweet.  I love that she can still make us laugh when she is feeling so awful.

We took Ayla home and got her some ibuprofen and a new ice pack.  We dressed her in her sweet fleecy footy jammies and tucked her in our bed between us.  We watched Evan Almighty, which she loved.  She was calling Steve Carell "Michael Scott" through the whole movie, which made Kyle the proudest daddy ever.

Kyle and I kept looking at each other and saying, "She is so cute.  We have the sweetest baby.  I love her."

I looked at my tiny, tiny girl with her massive upper lip and her puffy red eyes and my heart hurt so bad.  I hated that she was hurting.  I hated that I couldn't take that pain away.  I hated that it had to happen.  I hated that her little voice sounded SO sad even though she had a {swollen} smile on her face.

It's these moments when I feel terrible for ever raising my voice at her.  For ever arguing with her or making her angry or sad or discouraged.  I only ever want my little girl to be healthy and happy and confident.  I love that she's strong-willed.  I love that she's independent.  I love that she is all of the things that make me SO frustrated because I know that she is going to grow up to be an amazing girl.  She's going to do amazing things.

In a way, it's times like that, the times when she is hurting and I am hurting, that I am thankful for.  They make me step back and see my little girl a little differently than I do on a daily basis.  Obviously, she is always awesome.  I know that.  But I am thankful for the opportunity to remember how sweet and delicate she is and to remind myself to think twice before raising my voice at a tiny girl who is trying so hard figure things out all by herself.  Luckily, she usually realizes that she still needs her mommy.

Ayla and I shared some herbal sleepy time vanilla tea.  It makes sad girls feel better.

The best weekend. {Part 2}

Sunday.  I will skim over Sunday before moving on to Memorial Day.  Sunday is family day and each Sunday is basically the same as the last.  I love it and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Grandma and Grandpa's house.  Dinner.  Chatting with family.  Catching up from the week before.  Planning out the week ahead.  Dessert.  Playing.  Laughing.  Naps.  Relaxing on the patio.

A dark picture of what goes on as the sun goes down.

I look forward to Sunday dinner every week.  I love the family that I married into.  I love that I've been let in to their lives and their traditions.  I couldn't imagine a better family to be a part of or a better family for my girl to be a part of.  {Other than my own, of course.}

This Sunday we stayed much later than usual.  We didn't have work or school the next day.  Andrea was visiting.  We stayed until the sun had gone down and until the little girl couldn't function anymore because it was past her bedtime.  We took pictures on Katelin's computer that distorted our faces and laughed and laughed.

It was a typical Sunday and I loved it.  {Have I mentioned how much I love the warm weather?  Everything gets a little better when the weather is warm.  Nights on the patio is one of the best things about warm weather.}

But Memorial Day... Oh Memorial Day.  It was a perfect day.

My sister-in-law found this genius idea on Pinterest.  Here is the original link to the awesome splash pad.  You tape two tarps together, tape a hose into it and there you have it.  An awesome water bed/slip-n-slide/splash pad!

By the time Kyle, Ayla, and I got to Rick and Debbie's the splash pad was up and running.  Cherry and Debbie were laying out on it so of course I joined in.  It was so cold at first, but once my body got used to it - heaven I tell ya.  If you close your eyes you could swear that you are laying on a floaty on a lake or a river or a pool or any other  body of water that isn't trapped in a plastic tarp in the middle of a backyard in Utah.  I could have laid there all day.  Chatting with Charity, Debbie, and the girls.  Sipping on Diet Coke with lime.  My skin burning to a crisp.  Perfect.

Cherry and I soaking up the sun.

I could have laid there all day - but I didn't.  We rolled off of our end of the splash pad and we turned that baby into a slip-n-slide!  It was crazy fun. 

This splash pad lasted all day.  It got lots of holes in the top of it, but that didn't matter at all.  It stayed inflated and full.  The kids were playing with it just about until it was put away after 7 o'clock.

Katelin and I snapchatting Andrea.

Throughout the day I can't even tell you how many times Cherry said, "I am so happy.  I love today.  Today is perfect."  And I would say, "I KNOW!"  Because it was.  Yesterday was perfect.  We were just laying around in the backyard all day.  On the splash pad, on the grass, in the patio chairs.  Watching the kids play, talking, having some great BBQ burgers, homemade root beer ice cream...  It was all perfect.  The sunshine, the breeze, the way we could be in our swimsuits all day but needed a sweatshirt/blanket when the sun started to go down.

Ayla and Grandpa.

It's funny how my idea of "perfection" has changed over the years.  Rather than going out and celebrating elsewhere, I would rather be in the backyard with family.  Doing nothing out of the ordinary.  Rather than going out to a loud club I prefer to sit with a friend over hot drinks in a cafe and discuss life.  Rather than running around doing THINGS, I would choose to be at home with my husband and our girl.  Watching a movie and snuggling in our own space in our jammies with our snacks.

BBQ.  Cute girls in Swimsuits.

There are so many things that make life seem complex.  So many things that weigh us down and steal our energy and attention.  So many things that distract us from the fact that really, life is simple.  The things that make me the happiest are so, so simple.  They are right in front of me.  My family.  My small group of friends.  My tiny home.  There are so many other things that I enjoy and that add to my happiness, but these simple things - these are the things that recharge me.

Family, Fire pit, S'mores.

I love you more than ever.

Yesterday was perfect.  I didn't want it to end.  The entire weekend was wonderful.  It was something that I have needed after the past couple months of my life.  {The past couple of months deserve a blog post all their own, but I am not ready to share with the world wide web just yet.}

Happy Memorial Day.  I hope that you got to spend the day with loved ones.  I hope that it was perfect.  I hope that you were able to remember the brave men and women who have lost their lives serving our country.

 Focus on the simple things that make you happy.  The simple things that recharge you.  Focus on them and be thankful.  I am trying to slow down and realize how blessed I am and I am trying to be truly thankful.

I am realizing how beautiful Utah is, in it's very own way.