Monday, June 6, 2011

Still Waiting.

Sometimes I forget what I am like when I'm on my own.  These days I am feeling a little claustrophobic.  Sure I go to work everyday, it gets me out of the house.  I am there from 7-1 Monday through Saturday.  But from 1:15 PM until 7 AM the next morning I am at home.  Most days I don't have my car because I let Joseph take it to work.  It's just me and my babe in our apartment.  (A terrible, terrible rental that I hate with every fiber of my being, btw.)  Ayla and I make do.  We watch Sesame Street, we sing songs, we dance, we read books, we color, we go for walks, we splash around in the bathtub, etc.  If we're lucky, we nap.

I love my girl.  I truly, deeply love her.  She amazes me everyday with how funny, beautiful, smart, just perfect! she is.

But lately I find myself wondering if it's possible to have the "baby blues" when your baby is a year and a half.  Is that possible?  Maybe I should google it and read people's yahoo answers about this because I'm sure it would make me feel better and not so alone or like a terrible person.  I feel very shut in and I feel very unproductive and so incredibly alone.  I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel tired, I feel hurt, I feel used, I feel apathetic, I feel drained... ugh.  All of these things are getting in the way of my happiness and it is time for that to be over with.  I'm done with feeling that way, I am so done with self-pity and drowning in my sorrows and blah blah.  Yeah, life is most often not what you planned.  But you deal with it and you move forward, right?  Right.

Moving forward.

Last night I got out of the house BY MY SELF!  Not out with friends, not out with Ayla, nope, just me! It wasn't anything special, I was going to the store.  I wasn't out very long, but it was just what I needed.

I practically skipped to my car, plugged in my ipod, let it shuffle, and it played me Sum 41- Still Waiting.  I was stoked.  Like, bouncing in my seat, singing at the top of my lungs, stoked.  I drove to the store (just a few short minutes) but when I got there I just kept driving.  I thought about when I used to drive aimlessly for no other reason than to listen to music and clear my head.  I used to do this often.  I would drive up the canyon and wind up in SLC and just keep driving, never stopping or caring where I was headed.  I'm convinced now that this was my therapy.  This is how I got through any rough times I was having.

So feeling like I needed a little therapy, I kept driving.  I drove too fast.  My music was too loud.  These things were ok because there was no baby in the backseat.  There was no passenger trying to talk to me about things that would surely stress me out.

I felt fantastic.  Literally, better than I can remember for a long time.  For half of an hour last night I genuinely felt care-free.  I wasn't stressed out about boys or babies or money or messes.  I was happy.  I thought to myself, "Why didn't anyone warn me during my pregnancy that I would miss times like these?  Why didn't anyone tell me to enjoy loud music and fast driving while I still could?"  All everyone says is "Get some sleep, you're never going to sleep again! (Disgustingly true.)  "Spend time with your significant other!"  Things like that.

Advice to self:  Listen to your music really loud.  Drive really fast.  Be alone!  Clear your head!  When you find yourself a year and a half into motherhood single, exhausted, no one to confide in, and feeling like you are drowning with no one trying to save you... it can be a life raft.

It really does make me laugh to think that something so simple and so silly can make me feel so much better.  It gave me just the pick-me-up that I needed.  I recharged my battery and my outlook is good!  Thanks Sum 41 and half hour of freedom!  (Don't they have an album called Half Hour of Power?  Oh yes they do, it is their debut album.  Still Waiting is not on this album!)  I could not have started my week off any better.

Like really, today I feel free.

p.s.  semi interesting article.  "Overwhelming: A lack of routine amid the chaos of a new baby drains a mother's confidence along with extreme tiredness and hours spent feeding
As the dirty nappies pile up and a good night’s sleep seems a distant memory, it is easy for a new mother to think life will never be the same again.
But it will happen – even if it does take an average of 18 months, according to a poll of thousands of women."

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