Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Stopping to smell the roses.

Ok, maybe not roses.  I actually don't know what it was that I was smelling, but I wish I did.  I stared at the plant for a good two minutes trying desperately to recall my two years of agricultural science in high school, just hoping that I would come up with a name so that I can plant them in my own yard someday.

I decided a little late this evening to take Ayla for a jog in the jogging stroller.  We had both been cooped up all night and if I'm frustrated with it, it's a sure bet that my little outdoorsy girl is frustrated with it.  So I packed her up and hit the road, knowing it would be a short jog because the thought of running around little Mexico in the dark with my baby makes me panic just a bit.  I am so glad that I did.  It was so refreshing and such a great way to clear my mind.  Just jogging along, the mountains ahead of me, beautiful foliage to my side, and of course my sweet girl turning up to me approximately every three minutes just to say "hiiii!"

I know that this season can be rough on people with allergies, more than rough, probably a living hell from what I've seen.  For me, it is marvelous.  The smell of pollen in the air is intoxicating.  Watching it swirl through the air is like magic.  Like a soft, warm snow on the first day of summer.  When I stopped in front of that amazingly fragrant plant that was peeking over someone's fence I stood and took deep breaths for as long as my antsy little girl would let me.  I love feeling refreshed.  I love feeling that much closer to happy.


I've been called selfish a lot lately.  When you make a decision that is for you, not for someone else, there's almost no way to avoid it.  It's really been wearing me down.  Almost to the point of questioning what I know to be the right decision.  Almost.

After a lot of thinking and a lot of tears, my response to the accusation of me being selfish?  This is my life.  It's the only one I've got.  If I can't be strong enough to stand up for what I deserve then what is the point?  What kind of example will I be to my girl?  I want her to grow up strong and proud and confident.  I want her to know that it's ok to walk away when you have been knocked down.  It's ok to walk away when someone makes you feel like you are worth nothing.  There is not anything that someone can say to justify being treated that way.  I have felt that way long enough and it is time for me to move on.

It's time for me to accept the fact that I deserve more.  If there is something/someone better, if there is someone who will make me feel special and worth something, then I deserve the chance to find that.  If I don't find it, life will go on.  But I have to be able to say that I tried.  I have to be able to say that I did everything in my power to be truly happy.

If I'm not happy now, then when?

And as for broken families? It's a tragedy that has become my reality.  My girl loves her father.  She worships his every move.  I don't want that to ever change.  Not ever.  The relationship between a father and a daughter is something so incredibly special.  It's something that I want them to have.  I am very careful to make sure that she sees me building him up.  When he walks in the room we both yell "daddy!" and we talk about daddy when he's not around.  I want her to know without a doubt that he is worthy of her complete and unfaltering love.  And I hope that he always shows her that she is as well.

I want to be his friend.  I don't hate him by any means.  I have forgiven him.  I don't hold anything over his head.  The scars that he gave me are there because I let them be.  I didn't protect myself and I hope that I can turn them from pain and insecurity to a reminder of what I am looking for.  Neither one of us is perfect, I have made my fair share of mistakes.  We are only human and all that we can do is the best with what we are given.  Sometimes we are shaken and what we give is not the best.  Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness.

Letting go of the past (slowly but surely) has made me excited for the future.  I am excited at the possibilities and the adventures that are no doubt ahead of me.  As for now, I will take each day as it comes, working on my happiness and loving up every moment with my tiny girl.

Adventures in dating as a single mommy...  those posts will come in the future.

And what is a blog update without some more random photos?

She found my stash of jelly beans...

Sleeping with Elmo and Zoey her "babies".
Ayla at Lauren's baby shower 6/18.
Ayla and mommy 6/20.
I got some feather extensions and I'm loving them :)

Hopefully my next updates will be coming more frequently... I've been MIA for way too long!

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