Whirlwind.

Almost daily I think about things that I want to blog about.  I have all these thoughts that I would love to write down and sort out and archive... but I don't.  I get busy and I get tired or lazy or forgetful.

But here I am with an update!

First of all- AYLA WENT POO IN HER "BIG GIRL POTTY" THIS MORNING!  I know, I know.   Gross. You don't care.  But this is really fantastic news for us.  I have been attempting to potty train her for like... ever.  I mean, she'll be 3 in November!  It's just so hard because she is in school for 6 hours a day and we are all over the place spending time with Kyle and avoiding our cramped quarters that we call home, so potty training just hasn't happened.  I have been feeling very discouraged about it lately and have been researching and brainstorming the techniques that I think my girl would like best.  Turns out she just needs to do it on her own time.  This doesn't surprise me in the least.  She took forever to learn to walk.  I thought she would NEVER walk.  And then when she was 15 months old she took off running and never looked back.  And then the talking... I was so worried when she took forever to start talking.  But again, when she decided she was ready, I swear she was practically speaking full sentences.  I have come to the conclusion that my stubborn daughter will do things her own way in her own time.  I need to start trusting that she really is listening and she really is understanding.  She just wants to soak it all in and show me in her own way.  Anyway, she has recently been telling me and her teacher at school when she needs to go potty.  And she goes!  She likes her independence and her privacy.  She wants the door shut and she wants to do it by herself!  My girl is so independent.  And so smart.  I am so proud of her!

One thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is the relationship between Kyle and Ayla.  I so love seeing them together.  I am truly lucky that I found a man who was so open to my little girl and is so great with her.  He has really stepped in and accepted her and he shows her (and me) every day that he really loves and cares about her.  And boy, does she love him.  When "Kylo" isn't there she is talking about him.  She is asking where he is, if she can see him, what he's doing, etc.  She turns almost every object into a pretend phone and calls "Daddio".  She has long detailed conversation where she explains everything that she is doing.  She still calls him "Kylo" but she has also thrown in "Daddy Kyky" and most recently and most frequently, "Daddio".  That one is my favorite.  It makes me so happy to see her recognizing him as a fatherly figure.  In true Ayla form; in her own way and on her own time.

As we get closer and closer (93 DAYS!) to our wedding and we spend more and more time with Kyle it becomes harder to be away from him.  It gets harder every time we leave his house in the evening and Ayla cries for him.  It is almost physically painful to listen to her laying in bed at night asking to be snuggled by "Daddio" when he isn't there.  I say, "I'm sorry baby, he's not here.  He's at his own house."  And she cries and says, "I want Daddio, mom!"  And I know exactly how she is feeling because I feel the same way!  We are so close, but still so far.

I cannot wait until we are married and able to settle into our home as a family and get into a routine and not be living this all-over-the-place lifestyle that I feel we are currently living.

When I was talking with my Bishop this past Sunday I mentioned that we were going on a trip with Kyle and his family this month.  He told me that he thinks every engaged couple should go on at least one trip together because the way you act when you are away from home and out of your comfort zone and together constantly can really show you a lot about the person you are going to marry.  Kyle and I were talking about this later that day and we talked about our trip to Arizona this past January.  If I didn't already think I wanted to marry Kyle before, I sure thought it after that trip!  When we came home from a long weekend of being together all day every day and having him two doors down in the same house I was depressed.  I was so sad that he was 8 miles away from us.  I remember sitting in my bed and sulking because it made me so incredibly sad to have that glimpse of what life living with him was like and then to have to go back to not living with him.  That was the worst.  And it has been increasingly hard every since then.  Especially since we are engaged and we KNOW that we will be spending forever together.  I just want it now!  I am not a patient person!  93 days... only 93 days...  We have come this far!  The wait is going to be so worth it!

I love our little family!

Exciting news... We had our engagement photos taken last week!  There will be a post dedicated just to those when I get them!

Also... My iPhone has finally died.  I am really sad about it.  I have over 3,000 photos and videos on that phone that are a'goner.  And now I have to have an old, ancient, boring replacement phone until I get eventually get an iPhone again.  Sigh.

A whole lot of nothings.

Since my camera flew into the abyss at Lagoon I have been seriously slacking in the photo department.  Mainly because my iPhone 3GS takes the worst pictures in the history of cell phone cameras.  I mean seriously, my old nokia took better pictures.  I will share the few pictures that I do have though.  (Ignore the terrible quality!)

My loves watching Monday Night Football

Eating a cookie and drinking some chocolate milk at Subway

One Saturday night we (Kyle, his friends, and I) were children and we TP'd someone's house.  YUP.

A little girl at church drew this picture of Ayla.  Ayla held it like  it was the most amazing thing she'd ever seen.  She stared at it for a good half an hour straight.  And I'm not kidding.  "pwetty picture AYA!"

Ayla fell asleep on Kyle after a long night of running around with other babies and carving pumpkins.

Carving pumpkins!  Stephen, Adam, Amanda, Madison, Ayla, Kyle and I!  We're missing Jenaca and Savannah who are taking this picture!

PUMPKINS!  Ours is the one on the right! (A bat inside of the moon...)

This is Ayla admiring her "pwetty hair" in the mirror before church.

Ayla is a total tomboy and she has recently been obsessed with being naked and with this UW hat.  She thinks she is prettiest when she is wearing this hat.  Always backwards :)

That's my phone dump for now... Minus the two pictures that Jenaca took which were stolen from her FB page :)

It's been a minute.

June?  That's the last time I updated my blog?  Gross.  How will I ever know what happened from June until September?  I can tell you that there is a lot that I don't want to remember but some things that I never want to forget.

Ayla is so big.  She's 22 months (2 months away from two years old?!) and talking up a storm.  She laughs really loud like her mom, talks constantly, and sings almost all the time.  I cannot even wrap my head around how cute she is.  She calls me "honey" and I love it.  I will write more about her and everything that she has been learning and accomplishing in her 2 year post, seeing as I probably won't blog until then. ;)

Ayla and I moved into our own apartment.  It's actually a house which was converted int two living spaces.  My walls are a super light teal and we still have stairs (which makes it feel more home-y to me) and I can't remember the last time I have been so happy with my living situation.

There is a boy.  He says sweet things and brings me flowers and gets me necklaces when he goes out of town.  He holds my hand and tells me I'm beautiful and he lets me cry when I need to and he always knows when to ask if I'm ok and he always always always makes me smile and he even sings me songs.  He plays with my baby and he tells her he will miss her when he says good bye and she gives him kisses.  The kisses thing is HUGE, I can barely get her to kiss me.  If she loves him...  that's a good sign.  I think children are excellent judges of character.  And I think he is wonderful.

That's just a very quick update.  Very quick.  Here are some pictures.  I vow to be better at this lil blog!

Go Packers!

Skype session with Grandma and Uncle.

Snuggles!

My hair is getting long.  Like, really long.

Today :)

My pretty necklace from a special boy

Yup, it's a Packers necklace :)

Stopping to smell the roses.

Ok, maybe not roses.  I actually don't know what it was that I was smelling, but I wish I did.  I stared at the plant for a good two minutes trying desperately to recall my two years of agricultural science in high school, just hoping that I would come up with a name so that I can plant them in my own yard someday.

I decided a little late this evening to take Ayla for a jog in the jogging stroller.  We had both been cooped up all night and if I'm frustrated with it, it's a sure bet that my little outdoorsy girl is frustrated with it.  So I packed her up and hit the road, knowing it would be a short jog because the thought of running around little Mexico in the dark with my baby makes me panic just a bit.  I am so glad that I did.  It was so refreshing and such a great way to clear my mind.  Just jogging along, the mountains ahead of me, beautiful foliage to my side, and of course my sweet girl turning up to me approximately every three minutes just to say "hiiii!"

I know that this season can be rough on people with allergies, more than rough, probably a living hell from what I've seen.  For me, it is marvelous.  The smell of pollen in the air is intoxicating.  Watching it swirl through the air is like magic.  Like a soft, warm snow on the first day of summer.  When I stopped in front of that amazingly fragrant plant that was peeking over someone's fence I stood and took deep breaths for as long as my antsy little girl would let me.  I love feeling refreshed.  I love feeling that much closer to happy.

*****

I've been called selfish a lot lately.  When you make a decision that is for you, not for someone else, there's almost no way to avoid it.  It's really been wearing me down.  Almost to the point of questioning what I know to be the right decision.  Almost.

After a lot of thinking and a lot of tears, my response to the accusation of me being selfish?  This is my life.  It's the only one I've got.  If I can't be strong enough to stand up for what I deserve then what is the point?  What kind of example will I be to my girl?  I want her to grow up strong and proud and confident.  I want her to know that it's ok to walk away when you have been knocked down.  It's ok to walk away when someone makes you feel like you are worth nothing.  There is not anything that someone can say to justify being treated that way.  I have felt that way long enough and it is time for me to move on.

It's time for me to accept the fact that I deserve more.  If there is something/someone better, if there is someone who will make me feel special and worth something, then I deserve the chance to find that.  If I don't find it, life will go on.  But I have to be able to say that I tried.  I have to be able to say that I did everything in my power to be truly happy.

If I'm not happy now, then when?

And as for broken families? It's a tragedy that has become my reality.  My girl loves her father.  She worships his every move.  I don't want that to ever change.  Not ever.  The relationship between a father and a daughter is something so incredibly special.  It's something that I want them to have.  I am very careful to make sure that she sees me building him up.  When he walks in the room we both yell "daddy!" and we talk about daddy when he's not around.  I want her to know without a doubt that he is worthy of her complete and unfaltering love.  And I hope that he always shows her that she is as well.

I want to be his friend.  I don't hate him by any means.  I have forgiven him.  I don't hold anything over his head.  The scars that he gave me are there because I let them be.  I didn't protect myself and I hope that I can turn them from pain and insecurity to a reminder of what I am looking for.  Neither one of us is perfect, I have made my fair share of mistakes.  We are only human and all that we can do is the best with what we are given.  Sometimes we are shaken and what we give is not the best.  Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness.

Letting go of the past (slowly but surely) has made me excited for the future.  I am excited at the possibilities and the adventures that are no doubt ahead of me.  As for now, I will take each day as it comes, working on my happiness and loving up every moment with my tiny girl.

Adventures in dating as a single mommy...  those posts will come in the future.

And what is a blog update without some more random photos?

She found my stash of jelly beans...

Sleeping with Elmo and Zoey her "babies".

Ayla at Lauren's baby shower 6/18.

Ayla and mommy 6/20.

I got some feather extensions and I'm loving them :)

Hopefully my next updates will be coming more frequently... I've been MIA for way too long!