December 14th, 2012.

As I drove Ayla to her aunt's house they announced on the radio that a gunman had entered an elementary school in Newtown, CT.  They said that there was one wounded but no children had been harmed.  I dropped her off and went to work, not thinking much more of it.  The next thing I heard the gunman had, in fact, killed 20 children and 6 adults.  Each child was 6 or 7 years old.  6 or 7.

Charlotte Bacon, 6
Daniel Barden, 7
Rachel Davino, 29
Olivia Engel, 6
Josephine Gay, 7
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Dylan Hockley, 6
Dawn Hochsprung, 47
Madeline Hsu, 6
Catherine Hubbard, 6
Chase Kowalski, 7
Jesse Lewis, 6
James Mattioli, 6
Grace McDonnell, 7
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
Emilie Parker, 6
Jack Pinto, 6
Noah Pozner, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Avielle Richman, 6
Lauren Rousseau, 30
Mary Sherlach, 56
Victoria Soto, 27
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Allison Wyatt, 6

All day I held back tears.  I had to stop reading reports and stop looking at pictures because my heart was so heavy.  Kyle and I went to see The Hobbit.  It was our work Christmas party.  During the entire movie I kept thinking about those children and those families.  I felt guilty sitting in a movie theater.  I missed my little girl.

That night we snuggled Ayla longer than usual.  She was in such a great mood.  The best she'd been in for a while.  She giggled with us and kissed us and hugged us tight.  We let her lay in our bed between us before she got in her own bed.  She laid there on her tummy, with her chin resting in her hands, and said,

"Guess what guys?!"
"What?", we asked.
"I love you!", she said.
"We love you too!"
"I love you more and most!"

We hugged her really tight and for a long time. After she was tucked into her bed Kyle, who was hugging me, said, "Thanks for making such a cute daughter."

I started to cry.  I let out the tears I had been holding in all day.  Kyle just hugged me tight while I cried like a baby.

I do have a cute daughter.  I am so blessed that I got to hold her and tuck her in and hear her say, "Guess what?  I love you!"

So many parents will never get to hear that again from their baby in this mortal life.  They had to come home to their homes without their babies.  They had to see their baby's stocking on the wall.  And see their wrapped presents under the tree.  They had to see heaps of dirty clothes for those babies.  And scattered toys.

Their homes and their hearts must feel so empty.

I cried not for those sweet children who lost their lives, but for their mommies and daddies.  I cried because I can't even imagine what it must feel like.  I can't even wrap my head around such a terrible, tragic thing.  The grief that they must feel... there are no words.  Absolutely no words.  My heart aches for them.  Every time I think of them a lump forms in my throat that I have to swallow down. All there is for me to do is pray.  Pray that those families can be comforted.  Pray that they know that their children or family members are with our Father in Heaven.

I am thankful for my belief in a Heavenly Father who loves us and is waiting for us with open arms when our time on earth is through.

And I soon go to the place of my rest, which is with my Redeemer; for I know that in him I shall rest. And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father. Amen. 
Enos 1:27  (My very favorite scripture.)

"There is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my father."  There was a place prepared for each and every child and adult that lost their life that day.  Our Heavenly Father was there, waiting.  Prepared to bring these babies home.  He had a place ready.  Just for them.

I saw some comforting words on Instagram this morning.  They were posted by Poppa143:
"I need to believe something happened that morning in an elementary school in Connecticut.  I need to believe these precious, innocent, dream filled and pure hearted children were spared one second of fear and one glimpse of the horror.  I need to believe God sent sweet angels to these classrooms and corridors--maybe the same angels who once directed the shepherds to a peaceful manger.  I need to believe, moments before the evil entered, their sweet spirits were beckoned and one by one, they took each others hands and with the joy and eagerness of children on a field trip they left us, led away by all the love they had always known, protected by The Hand that led them home.  I need to believe they entered heaven together, laughing, with light-up tennis shoes and wonder-filled eyes!  And heaven hugged them tightly and showed them all it's grandeur which now will be their home.  I need to believe this."

I find comfort in the fact that those sweet babies, those babies who were so innocent and so pure, are with our Heavenly Father.  They are in a much better place than we could even imagine.

I pray that their mommies and daddies and brothers and sister and grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles and their sweet little school-mates can feel their little arms wrapped around them tightly.  And I hope that they can feel the arms of their Heavenly Father holding them all together.  Especially at this time of year, I hope that they can find peace and comfort.

For I have held the precious gift that love brings
even though I never saw a Christmas star
I know there is a light I have felt it burn inside
and I have seen it shining from afar
Christmas is the time to come together
a time to put all differences aside
and I reach out my hand to the family of man
to share the joy I feel at Christmas time
for the truth that binds us all together
I would like to say a simple prayer
that at this special time you will have true peace of mind
and love to last throughout the coming year
and if you believe in love
that will be more than enough
for peace to last throughout the coming year
and peace on earth will last throughout the year.
(The Christmas Wish - John Denver)

My heart is so heavy.  I hurt so deeply for people that I have never met.  I know that my grief will fade and that I will stop thinking about it so often, but I hope that the way I cherish my little girl today never, ever fades.  I hope that I will never take her for granted.  Even when I am beyond frustrated and want to hit my head against the wall, I hope I remember the way she says, "Guess what?  I love you!"  And I hope that she knows how truly and completely that I love her.  Always.

Hug your babies close to you.  Hug your family.  Pray for the families who are grieving the loss of their loved ones.  Pray that they will find peace and comfort.

Elf on the Shelf Part Two

That little Elf is still causing mischief in our home nightly.  Ayla is loving it and I am too!  Last post I left off with Ella being trapped in Luna, our Bearded Dragon's, tank.  (Read that post here!)  This was Ayla's reaction:

Ayla was upset that her little elf friend was stuck in Luna's cage.  I mean she was SAD.  I had to talk her out of tears, convincing her that Luna is REALLY NICE and Ella was not scared or hurt.  I reminded her that we hold Luna and we love Luna so we know that Ella is okay!  Once we had that convo she thought it was fun.  :)

The next night silly Ella made such a mess in our living room.

This picture is one of my favorites.  Ayla came into the living room saying, "LOOK AT THIS MESS!"  She is a little on the OCD side and does NOT like messes like this.  She asked if she could clean it up and laid in my lap crying when I told her that Ella had to clean it since she was the one who made the mess.

Then Ella got really creative.  She decided to use Ayla's blow-up basketball as a hot air balloon and Ayla's Ariel panties as her basket.  Crazy elf!

"Mommy I get out of my bed and the I see'd her and she was in the sky up there allllll the way up to the wall!"

The next silly thing that Ella decided to do at our house was to have a movie night.  She grabbed the box set of Christmas Classics, popped herself some popcorn, and had a movie marathon!

Ayla's first response to this one?  "Mom, can I have some popcorn?"

Then Ella did something really crazy.  She put on a Seattle Seahawks hat and climbed up into daddy's Green Bay Packers cup on his Packers shelves.  Can you believe the nerve?!

Since mommy is a Seahawks fan and daddy is a Packers fan Ayla was just happy to see both teams together.  And she was excited to climb on a chair to get a closer look.  :)

And now we have come to last night.  LAST NIGHT that silly little elf stole a roll of toilet paper from the bathroom and did some of her own decorating on our tree... Oy.  Naughty elf.  Ayla sure got a kick out of this one!

And I can't resist the sweet little yawn photos... I love my cute little girl!

Stay tuned for the rest of Ella's silly adventures in the Lee home!

Elf on the Shelf.

This year I decided to do Elf on the Shelf.  I have seen it around the internet the past couple years and thought it was so cute.  I wanted to start it sooner, but better late than never!

Here is Ayla with the book and her newly adopted elf, Ella.

The first night that silly little elf was trying to fish in the toilet!

And the second night she tried to wrap some gifts but ended up getting all wrapped up herself!

And tonight that silly, sneaky little elf has gotten herself stuck in Luna's house!  I can't wait to see how Ayla reacts in the morning!

Luna sure isn't impressed.... :)

Making Memories and Making our own traditions.

In Orem on Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving, in case you live under a rock.) Santa arrives at the mall to take his throne for the next month.  He arrives in a helicopter.  I know, I know.  Santa is supposed to be in a sleigh.  But each year his sleigh mysteriously breaks down and he has to borrow the KSL 5 chopper.  Turns out the kids are ok with this, they even seem to love it.  And I love it!  How exciting is it to stand with hundreds of people, sip your hot cocoa, listen to live Christmas music, and wait for Santa to come shake your hand and give you a candy cane?!

As silly as it sounds I want to be able to look back, years from now, and say, "I went to sleep pretty early on Thanksgiving night.  I didn't fight the Black Friday crowds.  I didn't wake up before the sun to wait in ridiculous lines to save $5."  I can't wait to tell Ayla how she got to watch Santa come down in a helicopter.  It will go like this:

On Friday morning I woke up before I wanted to.  I quietly got dressed while you slept peacefully, sprawled out across my entire bed.  I picked out your clothes and made you some warm milk so that you would have it when I took the blankets off of you and your entire body got goose bumps from the chill of our basement apartment.


I woke you up gently saying, "Ayla baby, wake up!  We're going to see Santa!  Yay, Santa! Woooo!"


You sat up and stretched and with your little sleepy voice echoed, "We see Sintas!"


I got you dressed in your new snow coat and your sweet little pink gloves.  You called them "pwetty glubs".

When we got to the mall there was hardly anyone there.  I thought to myself, hmmm, that's odd.  Santa was supposed to land in 20 minutes.  Turns out he was landing at 10:15 this year instead of 9:00 like the previous year.  So we went into Starbucks and got some drinks, you had a vanilla steamer in the snowman cup that you love so much, and we decided to walk around the mall to kill time.

Once we were in the mall I decided that you should make your very own Build-a-Bear.  Out of all the animals you chose a dog.  Of course!  You loved that little doggy that was all flat because it hadn't been stuffed.  You were not thrilled to hand him over to be filled by the nice girl who helped you make him.  I had to step on the peddle to fill him up because you were scared of the machine - it was so loud!  You picked out a heart to put inside of him and she stitched him up!  We looked at the clothes and we even tried a bunch on your doggy, but you did NOT want him to have any clothes on.  So we created his birth certificate, we named him doggy, and we paid for your naked little doggy.

We walked through a few other stores, but I was too busy thinking about getting back outside to really look at anything, so eventually we went back outside to wait for Santa.  There were so many people now!  There were ladies making balloon animals for the kids, you wanted one but the lines were SO long!  There was a band with a British singer playing Christmas songs.  A station to decorate cookies.  Free hot chocolate.  Wheels to spin and win prizes... So much fun!  While we waited (not so patiently; you and I don't really do patient.) you sat on the ground throwing a silent fit because you wanted everything that the other kids had.  Nothing you ever have is good enough, you need someone else's too!

All of the sudden the British man was hollering into the microphone that "SANTA WAS ABOUT TO ARRIVE!" and we could hear the chopper overhead!  It flew around and around, circling the mall until it could land perfectly in the center of all the people anxiously awaiting Santa Claus!

The entire time the helicopter was landing you were saying, "Das a car!"  and I would say, "No, it's a helicopter!"  You would respond with, "Yes, car."

And then there was Santa!  He came out of the helicopter jolly, waving, and ho-ho-ho'ing at us all!  You weren't scared of him when he came by and shook your hand!  You were so excited to see "Sintas!"  And you were even more excited to see his elves following behind him handing out candy canes!

As soon as we had seen Santa we headed to the car.  We both needed a nap after such an eventful morning!

 I love the time that I have with my little girl.  I want her to grow up with special memories of the things that we did together.  I want her to have traditions to look forward to every year!  Even though it's just us two we sure do have a lot of love.  "This is my family.  I found it all on my own.  It may be little, and broken, but still good.  Yes, still good."  I am so looking forward to the rest of the holidays with my sweetest little girl!

p.s.  Kyle, Ayla, and I also went to Target later that day and back to the mall to have Ayla's doggy restitched since it was already coming undone.  It was restitched by a guy with one arm.  ONE ARM!  And he sewed that puppy a million times better than the first girl.  Guys got skill.  And I can't forget dinner with the Lee fam at Wingers.  What a great bunch of people!

I left my heart in Washington.

This year (like the past 2 years) we have been lucky enough to fly into Seattle Christmas morning to be with my family.

Ayla did well on both flights (to Seattle she was just happy and cute and to Utah she slept the entire flight).

While in Washington we got to:

• Open presents with family (on my mom's side AND my dad's side)
• Visit downtown Seattle
• Enjoy Ivar's clam chowder
• Drink delicious coffee
• Eat at Dick's
• See the Harry Potter exhibit at The Pacific Science Center
• Eat real Seattle Teriyaki (there is nothing like it in Utah)
• Spend time with the people I love the most in the state that I love the most.

It seems like we did a lot of eating.  Ooooh boy, did we ever.  My mom made a delicious dinner of Turkey, Roast Beef, Shrimp, Potatoes, Sweet Potatoes, Stuffing, Rolls, etc. on Christmas.  The next day my step mother Syl made an amazing Turkey and they whipped up some homemade eggnog.  And of course I had to visit all of my favorite places to eat and introduce them to Joseph (if he hasn't had them already) all in a quick 3 days!  I need to detox from all the food.  Yikes.

Here are some photos from the visit.  They are mostly from my cell phone because my camera broke a week before Christmas.  OF COURSE.

Ayla excited to get on the plane!





Ayla sitting in Grandpa Kurt's childhood chair, playing with uncle Aaron



She wanted baby Jesus

She found her favorite place at grandma's house

Grandma's present

Relaxing with uncle Chad

Ayla and grandpa John

Ayla and grammy Syl

Seattle!

Grandma and Ayla in the Center House

Joseph, Ayla, and Tonja in front of the snow globe in the Center House

Harry Potter!

The Pacific Science Center

Eating at Dick's after we saw Harry Potter

I wish that I had more photos, I would have hundreds had my camera not been broken!

I can't wait to get back to Washington again.  I am working on a way to be back there in the next 6 months.  Wish me luck!