Imaginary Friends and Lemonade Stands.

Did you have imaginary friends?  I'm not sure that I ever had a legitimate imaginary friend.  At least, I don't remember having any.  However, I had brothers.  And I lived in neighborhoods full of kids to play with.

Ayla is an only child.  Ayla spends most of her time with mom and dad.  She gets to see cousins on the weekends, but during the week she is generally stuck with us.  Well, us and Hildegard and Amber and Kelsi.  And her cats Ginger and Tito.  And her dogs Shasta and Zeek.  All of these imaginary.

This child's brain blows my mind.  She is so intelligent.  She understand so much.  She uses her imagination!  Like crazy!  I am often having to pet a kitty or hold an item that is not there.  I take bites of imaginary cake and I sip on imaginary drinks.  I get text messages from my husband that go like this:

Dang it Hildegard, would you please stop calling?  And these phones conversations?  They are classic, I tell you.  Complete with arguments and big sighs.  There are a lot of "okay, okay, yes.  Mhmm."  Hildegard must have a lot to say.

It really is amusing.  And I kind of love it.  Although it can be frustrating when we are getting out of the car and Ayla is having trouble deciding which friends are going to come in and which will stay behind.  "Tito, you stay here.  I'll be riiiiiight back."  And heaven forbid you close the door before Hildegard gets out of the car.  Holy meltdown, Batman.

If you haven't notice, Hildegard is her favorite and very best imaginary friend.  Here is a photo of my cute Ayla and Hildegard.  She has her arm around her, of course.  {When taking this picture I was a little scared to look at the camera afterwards because I didn't want to see a ghostly little girl with a straight face standing next to my child.  I watch too many paranormal shows.}

Ayla and Hildegard.

Here's a little background on where Ayla came up with the names of her imaginary friends.

Hildegard- She is a princess on the Disney Junior show Sofia the First.

Amber-  Also a princess on the Disney Junior show Sofia the First.

Kelsi-  I'm not sure where that one came from.

Tito {cat}-  The name of aunt and uncle's cat.

Ginger {cat}-  I'm not sure, but Uncle Jerry has a dog named Ginger.

Shasta {dog}-  The name of aunt and uncle's dog.

Zeek {dog}-  The name of a dog that lives up the street.

These are not her only imaginary friends, I have heard a few other names dropped.  And let's not forget about her other mom, Cherry.  Well, that's actually her aunt Charity who Ayla sweetly calls "Cherry".  {You will generally see me refer to her as "Cherry" in all of my posts!}  Ayla talks to Cherry a lot, as well.  She'll say to me, "My mom told me I could!"  And I say, "I am your mom, crazy girl!"  She says, "No, my other mom, Cherry!"

This is such a fun stage.  I love watching my girl and listening to the silly things that she comes up with.  Isn't it amazing watching your baby grow into a child?  Where has time gone?  I can so clearly remember my childhood...

One thing that I remember is lemonade stands.  What kid doesn't want to sell lemonade on the street and earn some extra cash for candy?  Well, I remember doing things like painting rocks and selling them to the sweet older couples on the street.  {Really, they would pay for a painted rock.}

I've seen quite a few lemonade stands recently and every time I see one I smile.  These kids are so dang cute!  Every chance I get you better believe that I pull over and hand over my quarter.  What could brighten up your day quicker than the massive smiles and yells that these kids exchange when they realize that they have a paying customer?

I have the best story about a lemonade stand in my hometown of Stanwood, Washington.  My friend and I were driving along some back roads and there were some kids sitting at a small table with some hand drawn signs advertising lemonade.  Of course I stopped.  The excited kids quickly poured me a cup of lemonade.  It was a red solo cup.  My friend asked for one as well and they filled up a cup for her.  We started to walk back to our car when they said, "Can you finish and give us back the cups?  They are the only ones we have."  We about died laughing.  I mean, I couldn't even breathe.  I gulped down my juice and handed my cup over.  She couldn't even finish hers she was laughing so hard.  These kids looked so confused.  We laughed all the way home wondering how many other people had already sipped from those two cups.

Lemonade stands are getting pretty fancy these days.  {No cup sharing!}  We have one right down the street.  This is a weekly stand where they seem to get great business.  Not only do they sell sparkling grape lemonade {hello, YUM!}, but they also offer freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and bags of popcorn.  Ayla gets to take her dollar down the street and come home with one of each.  I love this.

Check out this insanely fancy stand.  And they have a working cash register!

Summertime is beautiful.  Experiencing summertime through the eyes of a child {and her imaginary friends} all over again is even more beautiful.

FAITH, FORTITUDE, FULFILLMENT.

The first weekend in April our church has General Conference.  This is where our entire church (as well as anyone else who wants to listen) is able to gather and watch/listen to the leaders of our church.  This was one of my least favorite weekends as a child.  It required that I gave up not only my Sunday to TWO church meetings, but my Saturday as well!  As an adult I find myself so looking forward to General Conference.  I love to listen to these inspired messages and I can literally feel my Spirit growing stronger after every session.

This year there was one talk that jumped out at me particularly.  I literally feel like it was written for me.  There was a specific line that he said that practically made my heart stop.  I know that this was meant for me in response to my doubts/fears/concerns/prayers.  It was a message for single parents.   The talk is titled Faith, Fortitude, Fulfillment:  A Message to Single Parents.

Before I go into more detail I will explain how I knew that this talk was meant for me personally.  (Besides the obvious reason that I am a single parent and the title states "a message to single parents.")  David S. Baxter said, "Your journey through life has had bumps, detours, twists, and turns, mostly as the result of life in a fallen world that is meant to be a place of proving and testing."  This phrase made my heart stop because on December 8th, 2011 I posted on this blog an entry titled "Bumps, Detours, and Melt-Downs". (Click the title to follow the link and read the post)  If you don't want to read the long and depressing post I will sum it up for ya.  I wrote about my road to motherhood and my struggles as a single parent.  I have always wanted to be a mother.  However, my road to motherhood was not the one that I planned to take.  "I hit bumps and I took detours."  What are the odds that the words I used, literally the EXACT words, were used in this talk in conference from a General Authority?  Just... Wow.

What a fantastic reminder for me.  When 99% of the time I feel like an utter failure and I feel so much private guilt and quite literal physical pain and fear that I am not doing what's best for my daughter, this is what I needed to hear to buoy me up.

He says,  "Whatever your circumstances or the reasons for them, how wonderful you are. Day to day you face the struggles of life, doing the work that was always meant for two but doing it largely alone. You have to be father as well as mother. You run your household, watch over yourfamily, sometimes struggle to make ends meet, and miraculously you even find the wherewithal to serve in the Church in significant ways. You nurture your children. You cry and pray with them and for them. You want the very best for them but fret every night that your best may never be good enough."

"With God’s help, you need not fear for the future. Your children will grow up and call you blessed, and every single one of their many achievements will stand as a tribute to you."

"Please never feel that you are in some kind of second-tier subcategory of Church membership, somehow less entitled to the Lord’s blessings than others. In the kingdom of God there are no second-class citizens."

One of my biggest concerns is that Ayla always feels the adequate love and attention that she deserves.  I hope, with all of my heart, that she never feels that she is lacking in these areas.  I hope that she feels my presence and is able to see past my short-comings and that everything I can give to her is enough.  I hope that she can feel the love from her biological father when she sees him and never doubts how much he loves her.  I hope that she knows how much Kyle, her future daddy, loves and cares about her.  I know that she feels the love from her extended family, I can see it in the way that she lights up when she talks about them and how excited she is whenever she sees them.  I hope that even though she was directly affected by circumstances our of her control, she can be a well-rounded, smart, fun, happy, and loving little girl.

I hope for myself that my guilt will be lifted from me.  My bishop told me that with time and prayer and patience the burden of the guilt I feel for so many things will be lifted from my shoulders.  I have already experienced some lightening of my load, but it surely has not happened over night, and it surely has not been taken away completely.  I'm still on this long road and though I feel like those bumps and detours that put me so off course are behind me, I'm not smooth-sailing on flat pavement yet.

I am so thankful for this message from David S. Baxter to strengthen me and help carry me through the remaining time that I have as a single mother.  (Only a little over 4 more months!)  I wish that every single mother out there would read this message and be reminded that they are good and that they are strong and that really, they are not alone.

"Thank you, sisters, for all that you are doing to raise your family and maintain a loving home where there is goodness, peace, and opportunity.

Although you often feel alone, in truth you are never totally on your own. As you move forward in patience and in faith, Providence will move with you; heaven will bestow its needful blessings.

Your perspective and view of life will change when, rather than being cast down, you look up."

"Single parents, I testify that as you do your very best in the most difficult of human challenges, heaven will smile upon you. Truly you are not alone. Let the redemptive, loving power of Jesus Christ brighten your life now and fill you with the hope of eternal promise. Take courage. Have faith and hope. Consider the present with fortitude and look to the future with confidence. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

Bumps, detours, and melt-downs.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new."  -Rajneesh


How huge is that statement?


For most of my life when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up my answer was "A mom.  I just want to be a mommy."  My other answers?  Veterinarian, Zoo-Keeper, Wild animal photographer; specifically to see the snow leopards in the Himalayas.  (I vividly remember that one being my answer in about the 6th grade where I spent hours in the library looking at pictures of snow leopards and reading all about them.)  But more than anything having to do with the animals, I wanted to be a mommy.  I wanted to grow up and get married and have beautiful babies and stay at home and do nothing but keep a clean house and cook great meals and bake delicious things and be the best mom in the whole world.


How many people actually grow up to be what they always wanted to be?  Some do.  Some take the proper steps and do exactly what they have always wanted to do.  Some don't.  Some change their mind completely.  Lots of times even.  Some people hit bumps in the road which lead to detours which eventually lead to a completely different life than they imagined.


I am a mommy.  I have been for two years, one month, and two days.  That is what I've always wanted to be.


My road to being a mommy was not the road that I planned on taking.  I hit bumps and I took detours.  I didn't have the husband and the house and I don't get to stay at home and I am a terrible cook and I rarely bake.  And oh my hell, my apartment is a disaster.


I am a single mommy.  Life is hard.  It is really hard.  I don't have a lot of time to dwell on it or feel sorry for myself.  I get up and I rush out the door and I hate dropping my baby off and I am always, always late for work and when I'm at work I am wondering if my baby is ok and thinking about how messy my house is and how I really need to go grocery shopping but I am really broke so the thought of having to get groceries just stresses me out which leads to being stressed about everything else that I can't afford and how I hope that I will be able to pay rent on time or if I can't just hoping that my landlord will be understanding. (He absolutely is, which I am SO grateful for.)  And then I pick up my girl after work and I am so happy to see her and she is hungry and tired and I am tired and we go home and after a rushed lunch I just want us both to go to sleep.  Meanwhile more dishes were added to the sink that was already full and more clothes are thrown on the floor and toys are being dragged all over the house and I just stepped on a cookie and crumbled it into the carpet and then I am getting grumpy because Ayla is so tired but rather than taking the nap that she needs she is throwing things and whining and nothing I am doing is making it any better.  So eventually she takes a nap but by this time it is too late for her to be napping which means that we will be having a late dinner and both be up until 2 AM which causes me to have to rush out the door in the morning without taking the time to get ready for the day and feel good about myself and feeling bad about dropping her off and being late to work all over again.


Deep breath.


Sometimes it all catches up to me.  Sometimes I feel like throwing myself into bed and not ever getting out when I think about all of the ways that I am falling behind and all of the things that I can and should be doing better.  And I get angry at myself for the choices that I have made and I get angry for the detours that were made in my life, whether I wanted them or not.  I feel angry that I am a single mother because this is not meant to be done alone.  It's difficult enough with two parents in the home.  It is not meant to be done alone.  And I am angry that I am not home with my baby and that I am stretching myself thin and always being so tired and not being present.  I worry.  I worry about everything.  I worry about time and money and food and clothes and cars and phones and decisions.  I worry so much that I forget to be present.  I forget to enjoy today and now.  I forget that I can be strong and even though this parenting job is not meant to be done alone, I can do it.


And oh my gosh, every tear, every ounce of stress, every bit of pain I feel is so worth it.  I love my daughter more than I could ever hope to put in words.  She is the most beautiful, silly, loving, frustrating, smart, amazing little girl I could imagine.  She is everything I always dreamed of in a child.  And as often as I feel lost and tired and angry and like I am failing, she makes me feel the opposite.  Two days ago we were in the car and I was crying.  Tears streaming down my cheeks.  I can't even tell you what I was crying about.  I cry a lot, but rarely ever in front of Ayla.  From the backseat I heard, "HI!"  I looked back and she had the most concerned look on her face.  The way she looked over my face broke my heart.  She said it again, "HI!"  I smiled and said, "Hi baby!" through my sobs.  She said, "I wuv you!" with that concerned look still on her face, never losing eye contact.  In Relief Society we learned about angels in disguise and about how people are there for you when you need them even if they don't understand why.  I know that Ayla was concerned and she knew that something was wrong and that she didn't know what else to do but say hi and tell me that she loves me.  That was all I needed.  My little girl that I worry so much about taking care of was worrying about taking care of me.  A little angel in disguise.

And speaking of angels, I can't say enough about Kyle.  He keeps me grounded.  He gives me hope and he makes me laugh and he makes me forget my long list of worries without even trying.  He literally makes my problems melt away.  Sometimes I am stubborn and sometimes I stay grumpy and I fight it, but I don't know why.  When I just let myself be me with him I feel happier and more care-free than I have felt in years.  I feel like I am the person that I want to be; the person that I am but haven't been for so long.  He literally makes me want to be the very best version of myself that I can possibly be.  And there are days like today that I bring myself down so much.  I tell myself that I'm not good enough for him and that I am holding him back and that I seriously don't deserve someone so wonderful.  I wish I wouldn't do that.  I wish I would always let myself be happy and care-free with him.  All I want is to make him feel the same way.

I love him so much for showing me that people can be good and can be trusted and for reminding me what it's like to be treated well.  He makes me feel special.  Sometimes I don't even know how to respond to how amazingly sweet he is to me.  I've not ever been treated as well as he treats me.  And the way that he treats Ayla... I know that he makes her feel special and feel loved and I couldn't ask for anything more for my little girl.


What is my point with this post?  I just wanted an outlet.  I wanted to type it and read it back and maybe lift a little bit of weight from my shoulders.  More like make a little more room in my head.


I wanted to remind myself that my life IS hard and I CAN admit that, even though I try so very hard to keep it to myself and carry that burden of stress and shame of failure by myself, I need to let it out sometimes or I will be buried in it.


Ayla is awake now.  Her nap was too long and too late.  Even though I am exhausted and want nothing more to go to bed I am going to get in the car and we are going to get ice cream.  After all, I didn't get dinner because like I said before, I am a terrible cook and I ruined the dinner I tried to make for Kyle and I.


I am going to drag myself out of my bed after hours of tears and heartache over bumps and detours.  There's no going back down those roads, I can only move forward from here so really, there's no use in crying over it, eh?


But even when I cry it's understandable because I'm only 2 in mommy years and all two-year-olds have melt-downs.

"Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed."  -Linda Wooten


*I apologize for the run-on sentences and fragmented thoughts in this post.  It just felt right!

Ayla's First Birthday...

Ayla's first birthday came and went.  I was so excited and so stressed out.  I wanted everything to be perfect for her.  My mom came into town to be with Tiny, which Ayla LOVED.  The first night Ayla wouldn't even go to sleep until we finally let her sleep on the couch with grandma...

On her birthday, Saturday, November 6th, I wanted to take her out to her first birthday breakfast.  I had big plans.  IHOP!  I was going to get her the cute pancakes that they put a face on made out of fruit and whipped cream.

Well, it took us FOREVER to get out of the house.  Ihop was packed.  I settled for Denny's, which was not packed.  They don't do faces on pancakes.  Since it took us so long to get out of the house, Ayla was starving by the time we got to denny's and was in grumpy baby mode.  Awesome.

After breakfast we went home and napped.  Ayla was unusually grumpy and so was I. 

After napping, it was party time!

Table Set-up.

Ayla inspecting the silverware.

Ayla and her god mother, Carissa.

Elmo cake!

Ayla broke into her cake before the part started...

She wasn't into it when we wanted her to be...

Most of the damage was caused by me putting her hands in it.

We loved our cake!

Ayla liked my cake better than hers...

Presents!

All things Elmo!  Ayla wasn't into presents either...

Mommy and Daddy got the cutest Elmo at Nordstrom...

Ayla and Mommy

So proud!

My sweet girl after all the chaos.

If you notice in the picture above... Ayla looks awful.  I didn't notice it at the time, but looking at the picture, she looks really really awful.  If I would have noticed this at the time I wouldn't have been surprised when my girl woke up around midnight covered in vomit.  And her bedding was covered.  And her new Elmo.  I washed her, changed her, cuddled her... and then it happened all over again downstairs.  And then again when daddy got home from hanging out with Curtis (because I insisted.).

I was a wreck.  I cried and cried.  My poor girl was so sick.  Joseph made a run to the store to get pedialyte (I had to keep her hydrated!) and then again to the store to get her soy formula again.  Our doctor had suggested trying milk-based because she is older.  It was not working out and I couldn't bear to try and give her milk-based when she felt so bad.  I haven't seen anything like it.  I know I'll see it many many more times in the years to come but I am pretty sure I will always cry.  I can't handle my girl being miserable.

Over all, her birthday didn't go as planned in my mind, but it ended up turning out wonderful.  Sickness and all.  Hey, if sickness means sleeping with mommy all night, which we have never done, I am ok with us being miserable once in a while.

I love my girl more than words could ever say.  I want her to have everything.  I want her to grow up strong, happy, and healthy.  I want to be the best mommy that I can be to her so that when she is grown up she can look back and say, "I have the best mom in the world and I want to be just like her."  Because that's what I say about my mom.  It's all I could ever ask for, to be the kind of mother that my mother was.

I'm at work now, but I can't wait to get home and spend time with my girl.  To love her and play with her and read to her...  And when it's bedtime I will sing to her.  A song that I love to sing and that Ayla loves to hear.  Just to remind her that life is hard but that she can stand tall and work through it.  And of course I can hold her little hand whenever she needs it.  :)

This little song by Mirah...

Aren't you going to come along?

Aren't you going to fight?
Aren't you going to hold your hands up to the light?

If you feel an emptiness,
If you want to hide
Think about the blood
That's pumping keeping you alive

We've got it all worked out,
The plans all made
If we believe in the fight
Then we're all saved

It's gonna hurt for a while
But it would anyway
Let us stand resolute
With our voices raised

We have a right to insist
To be free and brave
If that should cease to exist
I'd throw my heart away



It's a long long way


To the promised land


So try where you are,


Do what you can






You belong to what you understand


So teach yourself how to demand


The monument that you deserve


For rising up in a beaten down world


Aren't you going to come along?
Aren't you going to fight?
Aren't you going to hold your hands up to the light?

If you feel an emptiness,
If you want to hide
Think about the blood
That's pumping keeping you alive

My Little Love

"Start now to be the kind of mother you always wanted to be. Don't wait until she's eighteen... Keep in mind that all she wants to be doing--for the greatest part of her young life--is what you're doing."

Quote courtesy of Kelle Hampton, the very inspiring blogger.

New Chapter.

I have made one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.  I'm leaving my job to be a full-time mother.

Now I know you can say, that's a no-brainer, your child is the most important thing, it's not a hard decision.  Or you may say, don't be old-fashioned, be a working woman, day care isn't a big deal.

I've thought about each side of the spectrum.  Thought about each side for hours.  Talked to Joseph for hours.  Talked to my mom.  It was a really hard decision for me.

Now before I go on, let me say that I love my daughter more than I thought I could ever love anything.

Having said that, my job has become a part of me.  The people I work with, the things I do every day.  It's become who I am.  It doesn't define me, but I take great pride in the fact that I do what I do SO WELL.

I have been very fortunate to have a generous boss who has become much more than that.  He's a great friend.  He really cares about Joseph, Ayla, and I.  I look forward to our daily conversations about furniture, jack in the box, shoes, people, you name it, we talk about it.

And then my co-workers... they're my FRIENDS!  I care so much about them.  I hate getting up in the morning, but I've never once been upset about going to work.  I look forward to it.

The work that I do!  I eat, sleep, drink, and breathe these accounts!  I can't sleep at night because I'm wondering if a specific install went in.  I wake up and check my emails in the middle of the night to see if I missed anything.  I can't wait to get into work and check that days installs that are scheduled to be going in.  It's like I get high on solving problems and having things go exactly the way they are supposed to.

I feel like I am losing a part of me and it's going to be so hard.  I couldn't even talk to Mark. I handed him my letter and burst into tears.  He was so good.  He gave me a hug and he told me that there was nothing wrong with the choice that I was making.  He said that being a mother is the most amazing job that one could do.  He told me that society today makes it seem like a negative thing to stay home with your children, but there is no shame in being a mother.  He said the team will miss me, but that he supports my decision.  After I stopped crying I was relieved.

It's official.  I get to spend my time - all my time - with her!

My beautiful Tiny girl.

She is perfect.

She is my world and I can't wait to giver her everything I have every day!

Here goes motherhood...

Like mother like daughter...

I am starting to realize that my baby DOES actually look like me!  She definitely looks like her daddy, but comparing some of my baby pictures with hers I am seeing the similarities!

What do you think?

Me at 2 months.  Ayla at 2 months.

Me as a happy baby.  Ayla as a happy baby.

 

My mom, me and our kitty 1985 and Ayla, I, and our kitty 2010.

Me on my dad's shoulders and Ayla sitting with me.

I think we have the same eyes, lips, and facial structure.  Her nose is all from her daddy!  :)

Sweet Baby Girl

She is so precious...

 

 

 

 

 

I'm a lucky Mommy :)