A letter to Ayla this Father's Day. {The longest post ever.}

{Because we're going to be out of town for Father's Day.}

Dear Ayla,

I have thought a lot about what I would write on this  blog about your daddy.  I had so many great ideas.  I could brag about how handsome he is and how funny he is and how great of a daddy he is to you and how great of a husband he is to me.  But that's not something that I need to tell you.  I know that you can feel it.

You are a very lucky little girl.  You have what a lot of kids don't have and that is a daddy who stays home with you.  You get to wake up and eat cereal with your daddy everyday.  Your daddy watches the Disney channel with you every day.  Your daddy takes the time to put your crazy hair into a pony tail {which you destroy} every day.  Your daddy makes sure that you get snacks and mac-n-cheese or noodles and milk whenever you're hungry.  He plays games with you.  He laughs with you.  He is always there for you.

Do you want to know why you're extra, extra lucky?  You are an extra lucky little girl because your daddy chose to love you.  See, your daddy met mommy when you were just a baby.  You could hardly even talk!  Mommy was worried about introducing the two of you because I wanted to be sure that he was a good one.  I didn't want to introduce you, decide that he wasn't right for our family {or have him decide we weren't right for him!}, and then have him be gone.  It's a tricky situation being a single lady with a baby.  Dating isn't just casual anymore.  Not only did someone that I was going to date need to be good for me, but they needed to be good for you.  I knew from the beginning that he was a good guy, but he turned out to be the best guy.  For me and for you.

Your daddy and I fell in love.  I was head-over-heels.  And Ayla, you were too.  You have loved Kyle from the beginning.  You started calling him Tyle {You couldn't make the K sound} and then Ty-ty, then Ky-ky, then Kylo, and finally you could say Kyle.  He eventually became "Daddy Ky-ky" and after we were married, you called him daddy.  I let you go at your own pace with him.  I didn't force a relationship.  Your daddy Ky-ky just swept in and loved you from the start.  He chose me and he chose you.  Someday when you are grown you will understand how huge that decision was.  You will understand that loving a child that isn't yours is not always easy.  For your daddy, it was easy.  He has never once made me feel bad about having a child or been sorry that we have never had the normal child-less dating or married phase.  You know, doing whatever we want, whenever we want.  He chose you to be his daughter and he has never looked back.  You are such a lucky girl.

Your daddy and I were to be married on September 8th, 2012.  We we going to be sealed for time and all eternity.  I only had one issue.  I couldn't bear the thought of not being sealed to you.  I just couldn't think about that.  With a lot of prayer and fasting on my part and your extended families part, we got the blessing to have you sealed to us.  Your biological daddy wrote a letter giving us his permission.  He loves you very much and he gave you an amazing gift that I will always be grateful for.  Your daddy Joseph gave us his blessing to be sealed as a family.

On September 8th, 2012 you came to the Temple with daddy and I.  We were sealed as a family.  I will never forget your sweet little face, you seemed so nervous about all eyes on you.  And your beautiful white dress.  I will never forget that the first thing you said to us was that you were hungry.  I love that you remember that day too.  You remember almost every detail from the Temple.  I love to ask you about it and have you show me how we had our hands together and hear you say, "We were sealed as a family, mom!"

We are so lucky to be sealed to the best daddy in the world.  He really is the best.  But I don't have to tell you that.  Like I said, I know that you can feel it.  As a mommy, nothing could ever make my heart happier than the love between you and your daddy.  The daddy that chose you.

Love, Your Mommy

**********

Last Sunday Ayla's Sunday school teacher asked Ayla questions about Kyle.  They wrote down her answers.  This is so awesome because these ladies don't even know Kyle.  The answers came straight from Ayla.  She sure knows him well! {Reading this makes me cry.  Her daddy makes her heart feel real happy!}

Pictures say a thousand words right?  Now look at these pictures {SO. MANY. PICTURES.} and tell me that they don't have the sweetest relationship you've ever seen!  These two make my heart feel real happy.

This is Ayla approx. two months before she met Kyle.  She was just a tiny thing.

March 2011

 

06/12/2013

Can't you just feel the love from these pictures?  Best.  Daddy.  Ever.

Happy Father's Day Kyle!

{I can't wait to make more babies with you!}

And as a bonus... He's a video of baby Ayla coming home and asking to see Kyle.  :)  That little voice!  November 2nd, 2011.

A Thoughtful Girl.

Ayla is a thoughtful girl.

{For those who don't know:  Her name is pronounced "EYE-LUH"}

She is so intelligent.  It is very clear to me that she thinks things over.  A lot.  I love that about her.

She is often concerned for my feelings or for her daddy's feelings.  She is often asking about family members {near and far} and when she can see them, how they are doing, etc.  She doesn't forget anyone.  Or anything.  And I mean REALLY.  This girl's memory is like nothing I have ever experienced.  She remembers every little detail about every little encounter.  So if you've met Ayla and have had a conversation with her, trust me when I say that you are important to her and she thinks of you often.

I know that she is smart.  And I know that she is thoughtful.  And sweet.  And kind.  But sometimes she throws me off with just how sweet, thoughtful, and kind she is.

Yesterday our family was out running errands and we decided to have dinner at In-N-Out.  After we were done eating I took Ayla to the bathroom.  I knew she had to go but wouldn't admit it so I said, "I have to go potty, can you come with me?"  Of course her answer was, "Ummm, SURE!"

I took her hand and we headed off to the bathroom.

She looked up at me and said, "Mom, you're my best friend."
I said, "Ayla, you're my best friend, too!"
She said, "Uh huh.  And thank you for helping me do my sticker puzzle before I ate my food.  I really loved that."

Ayla and I at In-N-Out.

I really love that she thought to thank me for something as simple as putting together an In-N-Out sticker puzzle with her.

After we had left and we were on out way to Walmart she said, "Hey mom?  Thank you for taking me to Walmart with you in your car."
I said, "You're welcome, Ayla.  I love having you in my car."
She said, "Yup.  Can you turn the music down so I can talk to you?  I just can't hear ANYTHING!"

This was the first time she has asked me to turn the music DOWN instead of asking me to turn it up.  She proceeded to talk to me about all kinds of things.  Her dinner, her toys, her clothes, her daddy, Walmart, grandma... You name it.  She was talking my ear off.  And I loved every minute of it.

I love her emotion and the way that she shares that with me.  Even though I don't understand her over-dramatic reactions, I love that she is willing to talk to me about it.  "Mom, you hurt my feelings when you said that I couldn't have that toy and it made me really, really sad!"  I hope that she always feels that she can be open with me and tell me what's "in her heart", as she calls it.  {I may regret saying this when she's 16 and talking my ear off about her feelings.  She's a drama queen, I tell ya.  So not like me and so hard for me to handle!}

I love my super smart, super thoughtful, super silly, super cute little girl.  She is totally 3 going on 30 and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Movin' On & Feelin' Crafty.

Over the years I have developed a love for lounging on a patio in the evening.  It's so nice to sit outside and unwind from the day.

The past two years I have not had a patio.  I've lived in basement apartments {which have been wonderful and suited our needs at the time.} and sitting outside in someone's yard that is not your own isn't quite the same as relaxing in your own little space.

Kyle and I decided that it was time to move out of the basement and to a 3rd floor apartment complex.

Our new apartment complex.

We put a lot of thought into this decision.  There was a lot of agonizing.  We really love where we live.  Our landlords {they live upstairs} have been so, so great.  Ayla is going to go through some MAJOR Barbara and Ryan withdrawals.  And the ward {neighborhood church members} has been the best I have experienced since the ward I grew up in.  And it's beautiful being up at the base of the mountains.

But, it's time to move.  We need a little bit more storage space.  And we need to spend a little less on gas.  And it will be a little closer to family.  And we will have vaulted ceilings!  And a fitness center.  And a swimming pool.  And a playground for Ayla.  And a basketball court for Kyle.  And we will have a PATIO!

There are many exciting things about a new place.  But aside from the massive walk-in closet and the two massive bathrooms, I am most looking forward to the patio.  I can't wait to lounge on our patio in the evening, have some ice water or lemonade {maybe a dirty diet coke!}, talk about the day, look at the beautiful mountains, and unwind.  It sounds so dreamy to me.

The only problem is that we don't have any patio furniture.  I have some folding camp chairs, but that's not my idea of cute patio furniture.  So I did what any other red-blooded girl would do and I turned to Pinterest.  It had to be cute.  It had to be unique.  It had to be DIY.  And it had to be CHEAP.  {We are on a MAJOR budget, folks.}

I turned to my trusty board where I have pinned crafts using wooden pallets and I found this beauty:

Isn't this great?!  I am picturing brightly colored pallets and brightly colored cushions and pillows.  I need a little bit more happiness on my patio than is pictured above.

Kyle and I have already started cruising around looking at pallets and planning how we are going to go about accomplishing this.  I am so excited to get crafty and make this little sitting area for our new patio.  Look for a tutorial-type post in the future!

Looking forward to August 1st; a new place and new beginnings!

Xoxo

Insanity. {Here's to a healthy, happier, skinnier me!}

I am coming up on the 10 year anniversary of me graduating High School.  10 YEARS!  Saying that out loud makes me feel more old than anything else I can possibly say.  {Besides saying that on my next birthday I will be 29.  Let's not talk about that today.}

There have been many things about me that have changed the past 10 years.  My hair.  {approx. 30 times}  My taste in clothes.  My views on almost everything.  My friends.  My status.  My role in life.  {mama now!}  My name.  So many things.  But the biggest change?  That would be my weight.

When I graduated High School I was 5'7" and barely 118 lbs.  Obviously, I was skinny.  Incredibly skinny.  According to my height and frame the healthy weight for a 5'7" female is 133-147 lbs.  So yeah, I was skinny.  I had even had people seriously question me about eating disorders.  I assure you, the only eating disorder that I had was a problem with funyons and Krispy Kreme donuts.  You would never know that by looking at me.

February 2003.  18 years old.

Fast forward 10 years and I have gained way too much weight.  I mean, way.  Yes, I have had a child.  But that is no excuse.  Millions of women have had children and they are in fabulous shape.  No excuse.  AND I was overweight before I had my child!  I have roughly been the same weight {give or take 10-15 pound variance} for the past 5-6 years.  Heck, even when I was pregnant I only gained 23 pounds.  I have friends who gained 80 pounds and bounced right back to looking like a super model.

10 Years later.  September 2012.  {I won't even say how many pounds heavier.}

My problem is laziness.  I have never been a super active person.  I do not enjoy working out.  At all.  Physical activity is stupid.  If I am going to break a sweat, you can count me out.  No thanks.

I also love junk food.  I love greasy, deep-fried, sugar-coated, glazed, chocolately, fruity... you name it.  I love junk food.

When you combine the laziness and the love of junk food, you have a problem.  That problem is called BODY FAT.

I have been so sick of it, for so long.  I can't even tell you how many times I have laid in my bed crying because I am so unhappy with my physical appearance.  It's embarrassing.  I am done.  I am done being overweight.  I am done feeling bad about myself.  I am done hating my body.  When I was in High School I didn't have confidence issues.  I wasn't unhappy with my appearance.  I didn't even question what people were thinking about my body or my looks.  I was just fine.  I am not that way today.

The nice thing about weight {the only nice thing} is that you can lose it.  I can stop being lazy.  I can change my eating habits.  I can get healthy and I can lose weight.  I just need to stick with it.

That's the plan.  Stick with it.  Get healthy.  Lose weight.  BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF.

Kyle and I have started the workout program called Insanity.  It is just that.  Insane.  We are only 4 days in and I am SO INCREDIBLY SORE.

After Day 3.  What you can't see is the sweat running down my face.

I have been tracking everything I eat on an app called "My Fitness Pal".  This helps me stay on track with my daily calorie intake and it helps me think twice before having that piece of candy that I might be craving.

I am so hoping that I will be able to stick with it this time.  I want to be healthy and I want to be happy.  I want my husband to be proud of me and how I look.  {Not that he isn't, he has never said that he isn't happy with me or my looks.  FYI.}  I want to be confident.  I want it now.  I know it won't happen overnight.  It's going to take a lot of hard work and a lot of dedication and determination.  But gosh dang it, I CAN DO IT!

Here's to a healthier, happier, skinnier me!  CHEERS!  Xoxo

{JUST SO WE'RE ALL CLEAR:  I am not trying to get back to my 18-year-old weight.  118 pounds is not my goal.  I realize that I am a grown woman now and I do not expect to look like a teenager.  My goal is to be at a HEALTHY weight.  Healthy, healthy, healthy!}

Letting Utah In.

 {These are thoughts I had on my drive to work this morning.}

I have lived in Utah since 2007.  I moved here to get away from the life I was currently living.  I wasn't happy.  I was in a rut.  I was in a terrible relationship.  I just needed to get away.

Utah seemed like the easiest place to run.  I had been there so many times to visit family.  I had friends who had already moved there for school.  Utah Valley was supposed to be super social and super awesome.

I got here and things didn't really turn around the way that I hoped they would.  In fact, I have spent the most difficult years of my life in Utah.

You know what I found out when I moved to Utah?  It is NOT Washington state.  It is nothing like it.  And I HATED Utah.

{Disclaimer:  I am going to share some of the opinions I developed about Utah, which may offend you if you are born and raised here.  Please do not take offense.  These opinions most likely have nothing to do with you.}

1. I thought Utah was hideous.  Everything looked dead.
2. The people.  Oh, the people.  They are self-centered.  I have never experienced so much selfishness.  All anyone cared about was themselves.  They are judgmental.  SO JUDGMENTAL. 
3. Not only are people self-centered and judgmental, but they are rude.  All of the sudden I experienced people honking car horns and flipping me off and cussing at me and throwing things out their window - all because I wasn't going 15 over the speed limit like everyone else.  Um... what?
4. I had family here, but it wasn't my immediate family and no one seemed to care that I was here anyway.  Not that I have gone out of my way to visit family, but I have never been invited to a family function.  Ever.  And still feeling like a child, I expected the adults to kind of take me in.  They didn't.  {Not true, Marilyn had me over for Thanksgiving dessert a few years ago, which I loved.  And I had Thanksgiving at Cindy's house once because my dad was in town.}
5. My friends didn't care that I was here either.  They had their own lives that apparently didn't have room for me.  People that I had known to love me and care about me back home suddenly wouldn't give me the time of day.  In fact, they still don't.  {It's not hard to respond to a message on Facebook or a text when I reach out to you.}

After coming to all of the conclusions listed above; I was miserable.  I HATED UTAH.

Why didn't I move home?  Why didn't I go back to where I was comfortable and where every view was breath-taking and where my friends who really cared were and where my mom and dad and brothers were and where people were nice and accepting and where I knew I belonged?

I was too proud.  I said that I was leaving, I was making this big move to find happiness and get out of my rut.  There was no way that I was going to turn around with my tail tucked between my legs and go home to my mom's house because I had no where else to go.  It wasn't going to happen.  I would rather cry myself to sleep at night with no friends and no money and being terribly unhappy then fail.

That seems so dramatic and I know people wouldn't have seen it as me "failing" the way that I did, but it was honestly how I felt.  I made my bed, I was going to sleep in it.  Even if it was the worst bed EVER.

Now, here I sit.  6 years deep in life as a Utahn.  The 5 hardest years of my life behind me.  I can adjust the list above a little bit.

1. Utah is beautiful.  It will never compare to my home state, nothing ever will.  But man, Utah has so much of it's own beauty to offer.  Every single day I marvel at the mountains that I am lucky to live under.  And the vast blue sky.  The sky that I used to resent because there weren't trees blocking my view.  It is gorgeous.  Utah has taught me the meaning of "purple mountain majesty" because only here have I actually seen purple mountains against a fiery orange and hot pink sky.
2. The people.  Oh, the people.  There are still some self-centered people around.  I have learned that those are generally the college students who are actually from all over the country and are still too young to care about anyone but themselves.  And yes, people are very judgmental.  That comes with the religious view that most people here are raised with.  And that's okay.  I am confident enough in my self and my decisions that I really don't care what people may have to say about me.
3. People are still rude.  I have gotten used to it.  But there are amazingly nice people as well.  They may not stick out as much as the rude people, but they are there.  The people who smile at the grocery store, the people who let you merge without flipping you off, etc. {hah}
4. I still don't really ever see family.  Ever.  But I do live far away.  And I have developed an awesome relationship with my cousin Bevany and my aunt Lisa.  Getting to know them and have friendships with them has meant everything to me.  And the family that I have now?  The one that I married in to?  They are better than I could have ever dreamed.  I love them and I love how much family means to them.  All of their family.  {But I still miss my own family back in Washington terribly.}
5. Friends.  Who needs the old ones anyway?  No, but really.  We have grown up and grown apart and we have different lives and that's fine.  I no longer expect friends to put forth any effort.  If I put forth an effort and they respond, that's awesome.  If they put forth an effort, it makes me feel great and I hope they know that I love and appreciate them.  There are still a special few who are around {and by around I mean socially connected!} and they are wonderful.  Plus, I have made new friends.  I have made a couple of friends here in Utah that I can't imagine not knowing.  I am so, so thankful for my close friends that I have made in Utah.  You know who you are.

 Through all of the struggles, all of the times that I thought life couldn't get any worse and I was stuck in UTAH, I really did find happiness.

If I would have moved to Utah I wouldn't have met this girl.

Carissa is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of a friend.  She's that "girlfriend you meet in college".  You know, the one that you never lose contact with but that you don't see enough?  That's her.  And though she has many friends in Utah, being a Nephi girl, I do not.  She is one of the best things about Utah.

If I hadn't have moved to Utah I wouldn't have Ayla.

The girl that made me a mama.  She is Utah, through and through.  She even has a bit of a Utah accent, which if you know me, kills me.  I can't imagine life without her and she is most definitely one of the best things {in the history of Utah} to come out of Utah.

And if I hadn't moved to Utah back in 2007 I wouldn't have met Kyle.  My husband.

This guy.  He's the one that ties me down to Utah.  He is my born and raised Utah boy.  He makes me never want to leave.  {Unless he's coming with me, I'm staying put.}  Ayla and I were broken and Kyle was the glue that put us back together.  He fixed us and made us a family.  Kyle represents all things good about Utah.  Absolutely one of the best things about Utah.

If I had never moved to Utah I wouldn't be a part of this.

I cannot believe I could have missed being a part of this.  One of the best things about Utah.

I think it's safe to say that going into 6 years of life in Utah, I am finally letting Utah in.  This is the first year that I have the allergies that everyone has always complained about.  This is the first year that I have been excited about a miserably hot summer.  This is the first year that I am excited about exploring canyons and camping and being outdoors in Utah.  This is the first year that I have been utterly and completely content, no, not just content - HAPPY in Utah.

I will always miss my home state.  Nowhere will ever beat the beauty.  Nowhere will ever make me feel the way that the PNW does.

But Utah makes me happy.  Utah has become a part of me.

'Cause everything it must belong somewhere
Just like the gold around her finger or the silver in his hair
Yeah, everything it must belong somewhere
I know that now, that's why I'm staying here
Oh I know that now, that's why I'm staying here