“Each new life, no matter how brief,
forever changes the world.”
The morning of April 7th was
a lazy one. It was conference
Sunday. We were watching in our bed
wearing our jammies. The morning of
April 7th I took a pregnancy test.
I had been feeling off for a while.
EVERYTHING was making me
nauseas. I was super tired. My boobs hurt. Typical pregnancy symptoms, right? Besides those telltale symptoms I just knew.
So I peed on a stick.
A blue line! There was a blue line! It was so faint. I mean I really didn’t know if it was
actually there or not. I showed Kyle and
he could see it too. Barely, but he
could see it. We laid in bed feeling a
little numb. Well, I shouldn’t speak for
Kyle, but I was feeling numb. Numb and so excited. I held my tummy. I just knew that I was pregnant.
I called my doctor the next day and she
confirmed that there wouldn’t be any sort of line unless there was HCG present
in my urine. The pregnancy hormone. She told me to wait a few days and take a
digital test. There are no faint lines
on digital tests. There is either a negative
or there is a positive.
Wait a few days? Yeah right.
I drove to Walmart and I bought a 2-pack of digital tests. I went to the bathroom, the bathroom in the
front of the store in Walmart and I peed on another stick.
PREGNANT.
It was crystal clear. I was pregnant.
I immediately texted my closest friends
and swore them to secrecy. I sent them
pictures of the positive result. We
exchanged excited messages that contained far too many exclamation points. My friends were happy for me. I was happy.
I was so happy. I was going to
have another baby.
With every wave of nausea, every food
aversion, every time I yelped with pain when my chest was brushed by my arm or
bounced on by my child, I was thrilled. Kyle
and I were expanding our family.
I daydreamed of a blue-eyed baby. I wondered how different this baby would look
than Ayla. I wondered if it would look
enough like me to still resemble Ayla, even though they have different
fathers. I got out my What To Expect
When Expecting book. I read and reread
the chapters that I had read so many times 4 years ago. Kyle and I discussed names. A lot of names. I looked at baby clothes. I visited the doctor and they confirmed my
pregnancy. It was real. It was happening! I was just over 6 weeks along.
Then the bleeding started. A lot
of bleeding. I sat on the bathroom
floor and I cried. Kyle consoled
me. I tried to remain calm but this
bleeding contained large clots. There is
nothing good to be said about bleeding and large clots when you are 6 weeks
pregnant. I made an appointment to be
seen by the midwife the next morning.
They did an ultrasound. They couldn’t
find a sac. There was nothing. My uterus was completely empty. We sat in the little office and I cried. The ultrasound tech hadn’t said a word but I
knew what I saw on the screen.
Nothing. The midwife came in and
she spoke with me about miscarriage. She
let me know that I might keep bleeding.
I might experience pain. She told
me that they needed to take some blood to test my level of HCG and that we
would need to do a couple of more tests 48 hours apart to confirm that my
levels were dropping normally. To
confirm that this baby was no longer there.
I drove back to work, sobbing the
entire way. I walked back to my desk,
sobbing quietly. No one asked what was
wrong. I sat and I cried for the last
two hours of work. I assisted customers with
their insurance and billing questions for two hours while tears ran down my
face. That was a terrible day.
April 19th was a hectic and
wonderful day. My stepsister Haleigh was
getting married that day. I got up extra
early and went in to the clinic to have my blood drawn. She said they were ordering it STAT and that
I would get the results later that day.
I felt sick to my stomach. I just
knew that they would tell me that the
levels were falling and that my baby was gone.
We headed up to Bountiful. Kyle and I went to the Temple and were there
with Haleigh and Adam when they were sealed for time and eternity. I cried.
I cried because I was happy for her and she looked beautiful and so
happy. I cried because I was so
sad. I cried because I knew that I was
exactly where I needed to be that day, in
the Temple with my husband next to me.
 |
| Adam and Haleigh tie the knot! |
 |
| The Bountiful LDS temple. |
We had an amazing lunch with the
Willden family at Maddox. The food was
spectacular. Catching up with the family
was fun. The whole time I was trying to
keep my head in the conversations. I was
trying to smile and stay distracted when really I wanted to be curled up in a
ball in my bed crying my eyes out.
 |
| Ayla having fun with Great Grandpa Willden |
In the van on the way to the reception
I FINALLY heard back from the nurse
at the clinic.
“You’re levels have gone up. From these results we can only assume that
you are still pregnant.”
My levels had gone up! I was still pregnant! Of course I was trying to stay calm. I said things like, “It’s still early. They need to take blood again on Sunday. Anything could happen.” I was really trying not to get my hopes
up. I was trying to remain calm. Needless to say, I could finally breathe
again and my smile wasn’t forced anymore that day.
 |
| My husband and I at the reception. |
April 21st. I woke up to more bleeding. So much bleeding. I was scared.
I called the emergency room. They
told me to come in right away. I woke
Kyle up and let him know that we needed to go to the emergency room. I asked my brother, who was still staying
with us, if he could take care of Ayla while we were gone. We headed to the emergency room.
This time I knew. There was no baby. There couldn’t possibly be a baby after all
of the blood that I had just lost and was still losing. There was no way. I wasn’t crying. I was staying calm. I was trying to be upbeat. I kept reminding myself that I had already
been told once this week that I had lost the baby. I knew that I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes
up when that stupid nurse called me and told me my levels were rising. I just needed to get through these tests, be
told the terrible news, and move on.
However, emergency rooms are even slower than the normal doctor’s office
when you aren’t first priority. {The
family who was saying goodbye to a loved-one a couple doors down was
priority.} It took forever. Blood was taken. An ultrasound was done. They should have been able to at least see a
fetal sac at this point. Even I could
see that there was no sac.
Stay calm. Keep breathing.
Eventually the doctor came in. He had looked at my ultrasound. He had seen my levels.
“Your HCG levels still indicate a
pregnancy.”
What?
How is it possible to still be pregnant after I had bled not only once,
but twice. And bled terribly! What is going on?
He told me that my levels were still
very, very low. He said that I wasn’t as
far along as we had thought. He called
my situation, because of the bleeding, a threatened miscarriage. I was supposed to take it easy.
There was still a baby. I had questions. Why did I have a positive pregnancy test on
April 7th when these levels are indicating that I conceived
basically the day before? Why was I
bleeding?
I was fine and happy to be
pregnant. I was told to see my doctor in
4 weeks for an ultrasound, unless I bled more, of course. In 4 weeks they would be able to find a
sac. In 4 weeks they would probably be
able to see a fetal pole. Maybe a
heartbeat if we were lucky.
I bled more. I bled for 12 days. We checked my HCG every 48 hours. It was rising normally. I was still bleeding but my levels were
rising. They kept telling me that the
bleeding was nothing to worry about. As
long as your levels are rising, you can ignore the bleeding. Well, friends, that is easier said than done. Bleeding for 12 days is not awesome. Bleeding for 12 days after you have been
certain, twice, that you have lost the baby you are carrying is
unsettling. To say the least.
Even still, I felt pregnant. I felt so very pregnant. These not-so-fun early pregnancy symptoms
were what kept me holding on to hope. I
started holding my tummy again. I
started daydreaming about names again.
My husband sweetly kissed my tummy goodnight. We told Ayla what was going on because
somehow her cousins knew what was going on and when your cousins know what is
going on, you hear about it. {Brynn asked
me, “Did your baby die?” That was a
rough one.} We let ourselves be excited
again.
My tummy started to bloat. My pants were getting tight. It had been a couple of weeks and I was
confident in the fact that I was pregnant.
There was a baby coming! Due
December 27th, 2013. A
baby! I bought a cute pink shirt for
Ayla. I sent it home with my friend
Carissa so that her boyfriend would print the words “Only Child Expiring
December 2013” on it. This would be the
way that we announced our family growing.
A week before I was supposed to go in
for my ultrasound I decided to call and see if they would let me come in
earlier. The nurse said, “Why not. Let’s bring you in tomorrow. We’ll be able to see something tomorrow.”
Kyle, Ayla, and I headed in to the
office. I was so excited to see my
baby. Or the sac that would be housing
my little baby. Or the fetal pole that
would grow into my baby. Maybe to see
his heartbeat. I couldn’t wait! I was on the verge of wetting my pants
because I had filled up on water so that they could have the best possible
view. I mean, I could hardly walk. I hopped up on that table, trying not to pee,
and I stared anxiously at the screen.
She felt around my tummy with the
wand. She pushed really hard and I
wanted to scream with every push because I was certain that I was about to pee
on her table. I stared at the screen and
do you know what I saw? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Unlike the other ultrasound techs that I have
had to deal with, she told me that she didn’t see anything. She apologized for the lack of a baby.
I wiped off the goo and I ran to the
bathroom. I went pee and I cried. How is this possible? What is happening to me? How can I feel so very pregnant yet be so
empty?
“Let’s do some more blood work. Let’s see where your levels are at.” Carol, the sweetest midwife ever, let me know
that we wanted the levels to be down.
She was very sorry, and she was so gentle with her words. At this point, seeing as there is no baby, we
want the levels to be down.
I knew she was right. The levels had to be down. They needed to be. I needed this to be over. I needed someone to tell me, “THERE IS NO
BABY.” I needed closure. They took more blood.
I got a call that afternoon. "Your levels are high. We don’t know what’s going on. With these levels we should be able to see a
baby. This is worrisome. Someone will call you."
No one called. By the evening I was worried. What the hell is going on? Why hasn’t anyone called me?
I called the clinic. I got through to the on-call nurse. Jen.
She pulled up my information. She
apologized that no one had called. She
explained that she hadn’t been able to get a hold of either of the on-call
doctors to discuss my situation, which is why I hadn’t been contacted. She the told me that they think that I am
experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. She
let me know that my tubes were fine, the baby was not in my fallopian tubes. However, that means it was somewhere else
outside of my uterus. This is scary, and
painful, and life-threatening. For the
baby and for me. She discussed stats and
options. It was the first time I had
been made aware of a possible termination of pregnancy. We talked for a long time. I asked a lot of questions. She answered them the best she could. She promised that she would let me know more
once a doctor has taken a look at my situation.
A little after 9:30 PM that Friday
night she got back to me and let me know that the doctor thinks I am safe to
wait for another blood draw on Monday before taking any immediate action.
On Monday, May 6th, I went
in to have my blood taken again. I was
praying for low levels. I knew that
they needed to be lower. We needed to
know that this pregnancy wasn’t a valid pregnancy and that my body was going
back to normal. I hated the thought of a
“life-threatening” situation. I hate the
thought of having to terminate a baby who had attached outside of my uterus,
where it should not be. They took my
blood and I went back to work.
An hour later I got a phone call. It was Jen, the ever-so-faithful nurse. The nurse who had spent almost an hour on the
phone with me discussing what could possibly be happening with my body. The only one, at this point, who had given me
any information at all.
“I have bad news. Your levels are much higher than they were on
Friday. This is definitely an ectopic
pregnancy.” I asked what my options
were. She said that we could do another
ultrasound and try to locate where the baby has attached, but we would most
likely need to still terminate. She said
the longer I wait the more likely it is that something will go wrong. I would be jeopardizing my future fertility. She said, “We need you to check into the
hospital and we need to test your kidney function. We need to terminate this pregnancy.” I asked if I could go after work. I had only been at this job for a couple of
months and had already missed so much work for these medical issues. Plus my boss was not super friendly and I
didn’t share with him what was going on and I was dreading having to tell him
that I had to leave and go to the hospital.
Her response? “We are considering
this a medical emergency. We need you to
get to the hospital ASAP, like NOW, get your kidney’s tested, and have the IV
started by 5.”
So I shot my boss a quick email, sent
my husband a text to meet me at the hospital, and took off. I was shaking the whole way there. {The whole 10 minutes.} I felt so sick. I hated that I was terminating my pregnancy,
but I knew that I needed to do it. I
wasn’t going to risk my life or my possible chances of future babies. I still hated it.
I checked myself in and I tried to stay
positive. I snapchatted away with my
friends. I joked with the nurses. I pretended like my heart wasn’t shattering
all over again. Kyle showed up after
they had taken my blood to test my kidney function. They took a lot of blood for that test. Kyle got there in time for me to learn that I
wasn’t actually getting this medication that would terminate the pregnancy
through an IV drip. Kyle was there in
time to be with me while two nurses injected two massive needles, one in each
kidney, injecting the Methotrexate. This
hurt. It hurt so bad. A massive needle straight into the kidney
HURTS. The Methotrexate hurt. It stung.
I could feel it spreading through my lower back. It was cold but it stung so bad, which almost
made it feel hot. They put a couple of
bandaids on me and sent me on my way.
I didn’t even get out of the lobby
before the tears were running down my cheeks.
Kyle asked, “Are you crying because it hurt or because of the
baby?” Both. It did hurt.
And I’m not too old to cry when a shot hurts. But I was crying because this was it. This was the end that I knew was coming but
still hurt so very bad. There wasn’t
going to be a baby in December 2013. In
fact, this Methotrexate that was hurting me so terribly made sure that there
wasn’t going to be a baby for quite a while longer. This was the end of the road. Only, it wasn’t.
I still needed my HCG levels to
drop. They let me know that we would
need to test my blood every week to make sure that the levels were
dropping. They warned me that sometimes
HCG levels will reach a plateau and I will need to have a second, or even
third, injection of Methotrexate. I
crossed my fingers and I prayed that my levels would drop quickly. I was done with this. I was so, so done with this.
I was talked to about the rarity of my situation. Why did I have a positive pregnancy test on April 7th only to have my levels drop and come back up? Why did I bleed so terribly and pass blood clots that matched every description written about a miscarriage? The midwife believes that I may have been pregnant with twins. In separate sacs. I lost one that would have implanted in my uterus, the second one somehow attached outside of the uterus and continued to grow. What are the odds? Why would this happen to me?
I have had my blood drawn every
week. I have had my blood drawn 7 times
since my injections of Methotrexate. I get to talk to Jen every week. Every week she apologizes that I have to get my blood drawn again. She laughs and says, "I know you hate having to talk to me every week". I
still have HCG in me. I still FEEL
pregnant. Not as much as 3 weeks ago,
but it’s still there. It is a cruel,
cruel thing to feel pregnant when you are not.
It has not been easy. Even my
last blood draw, the one last Wednesday, showed that my levels are 37.5. It’s a very small level, but I need to be
below 5. I’m not there, but I have
finally been told to stop my weekly blood draw.
We will test again in a month.
There is a light at the end of this hellish tunnel.
Through this whole situation I have
tried to keep my head up. I have kept
smiling and I have dealt with it the only way I know how. “I’m fine.
Yeah it sucks, but what can I do?”
Really I just want to sob every time someone asks me. Really I wish that no one else knew at all so
that I wouldn’t have to explain the situation or pretend like I am fine, when
on the inside I don’t feel fine.
It’s amazing how quickly you become
attached to a baby that is inside you.
It’s amazing the loss that you feel when you find out that there really
isn’t a baby anymore. It’s amazing how
empty you feel on the inside. It’s
amazing how much it hurts my heart every time they take my blood and tell me
that my levels have dropped. It’s
amazing how much it hurts every time I see someone with a cute pregnant tummy
because I remember that my tummy isn’t going to look like that any time
soon. It’s amazing how bad it hurts when
Ayla says, “Is there still a baby in your tummy? Did it go to heaven? I want you to have a baby in your tummy.” It’s amazing how sad I am. There is nothing that I could have done to
prevent or fix this situation. It is
what it is. And it is sad.
I am so thankful for my husband. Kyle has been nothing but supportive through
this entire situation. He has been my
rock. He has cried with me, he has been
angry with me; he has felt all of the emotions that I have felt. He has held my hand the whole time. I have fallen in love with him over and over
again. I am so lucky that he is the
person I get to share these trials with.
I am so lucky that he is going to be next to me forever. I am so lucky that he will be the father to
our future children. I am so lucky that
he is the father to our current child. I
am so, so lucky. I would not have made
it through the past 3 months without Kyle.
Having said all of this, how sad I am
and how badly I hurt, I know that I have so many great things ahead of me. I know that it wasn’t the last time that I
will be pregnant. I know that someday I
will get to see that positive pregnancy test again and someday I will actually
get to feel the flutter in my tummy of an active little ninja baby, and I will
hold another beautiful little child in my arms.
It’s all about timing. I have
faith that there is a plan for me and a plan for my family. I will probably always hurt inside when I
think about the baby that was never meant to be, and I will probably always cry
when I read this story, but I am a stronger person for it. I have gained some empathy. My heart aches for every woman who has
miscarried their baby or has had to terminate their pregnancy for the sake of
their own life. My heart aches. I know that nothing can fill the emptiness
that is felt. Only time.
As for now I am really trying to be
thankful for what I do have and not focus on what I have lost. I have a beautiful family, immediate and extended,
who are here for me. I have a great
job. I have wonderful and supportive
friends. I have so much and I am so
thankful.
Here’s to bright futures and better
tomorrows!
