Camping at Currant Creek

This past June (I know, I am SO BEHIND!) Ayla and I got to go camping with Kyle's family at Currant Creek.  They go every year and Kyle loves it.  I remember when he went last year and I HATED it because he was without cell service for a week!  This year, I loved it.  I had so much fun with the Lee family, sleeping in the trailer, riding the 4-wheelers, eating yummy camping food (aka good dinners and LOTS of junk food), fishing, shooting, etc.

It was so beautiful up there.  Being up in the mountains with so many trees actually made my heart happy.  It reminded me of where I grew up.  And not having any cell phones or computers for that week was actually really great.  It was so fun to be able to connect with Kyle and Ayla and everyone else with none of those distractions (addictions) that are always there.

Like Brynn (age 7) said to her grandpa while we were up there, "Sometimes it's good to just have time with your family."  Yup, it sure is.

Here are my pictures from that week.  These are in no particular order.  I don't feel like going through and putting them in their correct timeline.  :)

Megan Czarnocki Photography

I'm not even going to talk about how behind I am with this blog.  Nope.

I'm am going to talk about Megan Czarnocki Photography!  Megan is a friend of Kyle.  She is a photographer, and such a good one!  We have had her take pictures of Ayla, our engagement pictures, our bridals/groomals, and she'll be photographing our wedding.  I have seriously been SO happy with everything that she has done for us!  She's amazing!  My favorite thing is that she is so easy to be around and FUN, but she's still so professional.  I love her.  If you're in the Utah Valley area you should check her out.

Anyway,  here are a few pictures that she's done for us.  I've just chosen 3 from each session.  The bridals haven't been shown to people yet so this is a sneak peek!  WOO!

Ayla's pictures taken at Megan's studio in April:  (She has already grown up so much since then, it makes me sad!)

Our engagement pictures taken in June:

9/8 for September 8th, our wedding day!  (Seahawks and Packers!) And they say "LEE" on the back!

AND our amazing bridals.  I LOVE THEM!

Seriously, how gorgeous are those pictures?  She did the best job.  I cannot say it enough!  I am so excited to see what she does with our wedding photos and to do some family pictures in the fall!  (Megan, we need to book you for family pictures in the fall!)

Also, here's a peek at our wedding invite, if you didn't send me your address to get one!  Our wedding which is only 11 days away... WHAT?!?!  YESSSS!  (P.S. the red lines on the invites are just showing where the edges would actually be cut when printed, this is just the proof!)  Invites designed by Annette Ward Studio.  Annette was also really great to work with, and like Megan, local and so reasonably priced!

Busy, busy, busy.

I feel like my life is non-stop right now.  I am just go, go, going!  Needless to say, my documentation is falling by the way side.

I swear I will write more someday about what is going on in our lives, but for right now I just want to document one thing that I never want to forget.

It was a weeknight, we were just spending time at my house.  I was cooking dinner and attempting to bake a cake.  (I say attempting because I only have a toaster oven.  It was a fail.)  I was listening to music.  Ayla and Kyle were rolling around the floor.  Tickling, laughing, playing.  Just having fun.

Kyle looked up and me and said, "Can we be married already so this can be my life everyday?"

My heart just about melted.  I love him.  And I love our girl.  I love us together.  I can't wait to be a family.  And although I know not every night will be exactly like that, it will be perfect just to be together.

Whirlwind.

Almost daily I think about things that I want to blog about.  I have all these thoughts that I would love to write down and sort out and archive... but I don't.  I get busy and I get tired or lazy or forgetful.

But here I am with an update!

First of all- AYLA WENT POO IN HER "BIG GIRL POTTY" THIS MORNING!  I know, I know.   Gross. You don't care.  But this is really fantastic news for us.  I have been attempting to potty train her for like... ever.  I mean, she'll be 3 in November!  It's just so hard because she is in school for 6 hours a day and we are all over the place spending time with Kyle and avoiding our cramped quarters that we call home, so potty training just hasn't happened.  I have been feeling very discouraged about it lately and have been researching and brainstorming the techniques that I think my girl would like best.  Turns out she just needs to do it on her own time.  This doesn't surprise me in the least.  She took forever to learn to walk.  I thought she would NEVER walk.  And then when she was 15 months old she took off running and never looked back.  And then the talking... I was so worried when she took forever to start talking.  But again, when she decided she was ready, I swear she was practically speaking full sentences.  I have come to the conclusion that my stubborn daughter will do things her own way in her own time.  I need to start trusting that she really is listening and she really is understanding.  She just wants to soak it all in and show me in her own way.  Anyway, she has recently been telling me and her teacher at school when she needs to go potty.  And she goes!  She likes her independence and her privacy.  She wants the door shut and she wants to do it by herself!  My girl is so independent.  And so smart.  I am so proud of her!

One thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is the relationship between Kyle and Ayla.  I so love seeing them together.  I am truly lucky that I found a man who was so open to my little girl and is so great with her.  He has really stepped in and accepted her and he shows her (and me) every day that he really loves and cares about her.  And boy, does she love him.  When "Kylo" isn't there she is talking about him.  She is asking where he is, if she can see him, what he's doing, etc.  She turns almost every object into a pretend phone and calls "Daddio".  She has long detailed conversation where she explains everything that she is doing.  She still calls him "Kylo" but she has also thrown in "Daddy Kyky" and most recently and most frequently, "Daddio".  That one is my favorite.  It makes me so happy to see her recognizing him as a fatherly figure.  In true Ayla form; in her own way and on her own time.

As we get closer and closer (93 DAYS!) to our wedding and we spend more and more time with Kyle it becomes harder to be away from him.  It gets harder every time we leave his house in the evening and Ayla cries for him.  It is almost physically painful to listen to her laying in bed at night asking to be snuggled by "Daddio" when he isn't there.  I say, "I'm sorry baby, he's not here.  He's at his own house."  And she cries and says, "I want Daddio, mom!"  And I know exactly how she is feeling because I feel the same way!  We are so close, but still so far.

I cannot wait until we are married and able to settle into our home as a family and get into a routine and not be living this all-over-the-place lifestyle that I feel we are currently living.

When I was talking with my Bishop this past Sunday I mentioned that we were going on a trip with Kyle and his family this month.  He told me that he thinks every engaged couple should go on at least one trip together because the way you act when you are away from home and out of your comfort zone and together constantly can really show you a lot about the person you are going to marry.  Kyle and I were talking about this later that day and we talked about our trip to Arizona this past January.  If I didn't already think I wanted to marry Kyle before, I sure thought it after that trip!  When we came home from a long weekend of being together all day every day and having him two doors down in the same house I was depressed.  I was so sad that he was 8 miles away from us.  I remember sitting in my bed and sulking because it made me so incredibly sad to have that glimpse of what life living with him was like and then to have to go back to not living with him.  That was the worst.  And it has been increasingly hard every since then.  Especially since we are engaged and we KNOW that we will be spending forever together.  I just want it now!  I am not a patient person!  93 days... only 93 days...  We have come this far!  The wait is going to be so worth it!

I love our little family!

Exciting news... We had our engagement photos taken last week!  There will be a post dedicated just to those when I get them!

Also... My iPhone has finally died.  I am really sad about it.  I have over 3,000 photos and videos on that phone that are a'goner.  And now I have to have an old, ancient, boring replacement phone until I get eventually get an iPhone again.  Sigh.

A Little Legacy

I love journals.  I have blogged about this before.  Here and here.  I just love them.  I am so enjoying keeping a journal of my wedding planning.  It helps me keeps things organized and it helps me keep track of little details that I already would have forgotten had I not written it down.  I am already excited to be able to look back, years from now, and read all about planning my amazing wedding!

And even more exciting for me is looking forward to when I will be able to give it to Ayla.  When she is all grown up and planning her own wedding she'll be able to read through all of my thoughts and details and laugh about how OLD and ugly everything is!  She will be at our wedding and be involved in everything, but let's be honest.  She's two.  She won't remember it.  I want her to have this little piece of our family's history.  This little piece that is actually HUGE.  This wedding is going to make us a family.  Someday, when she is getting ready to start her own family, she'll get to read all about how ours officially got started.

FAITH, FORTITUDE, FULFILLMENT.

The first weekend in April our church has General Conference.  This is where our entire church (as well as anyone else who wants to listen) is able to gather and watch/listen to the leaders of our church.  This was one of my least favorite weekends as a child.  It required that I gave up not only my Sunday to TWO church meetings, but my Saturday as well!  As an adult I find myself so looking forward to General Conference.  I love to listen to these inspired messages and I can literally feel my Spirit growing stronger after every session.

This year there was one talk that jumped out at me particularly.  I literally feel like it was written for me.  There was a specific line that he said that practically made my heart stop.  I know that this was meant for me in response to my doubts/fears/concerns/prayers.  It was a message for single parents.   The talk is titled Faith, Fortitude, Fulfillment:  A Message to Single Parents.

Before I go into more detail I will explain how I knew that this talk was meant for me personally.  (Besides the obvious reason that I am a single parent and the title states "a message to single parents.")  David S. Baxter said, "Your journey through life has had bumps, detours, twists, and turns, mostly as the result of life in a fallen world that is meant to be a place of proving and testing."  This phrase made my heart stop because on December 8th, 2011 I posted on this blog an entry titled "Bumps, Detours, and Melt-Downs". (Click the title to follow the link and read the post)  If you don't want to read the long and depressing post I will sum it up for ya.  I wrote about my road to motherhood and my struggles as a single parent.  I have always wanted to be a mother.  However, my road to motherhood was not the one that I planned to take.  "I hit bumps and I took detours."  What are the odds that the words I used, literally the EXACT words, were used in this talk in conference from a General Authority?  Just... Wow.

What a fantastic reminder for me.  When 99% of the time I feel like an utter failure and I feel so much private guilt and quite literal physical pain and fear that I am not doing what's best for my daughter, this is what I needed to hear to buoy me up.

He says,  "Whatever your circumstances or the reasons for them, how wonderful you are. Day to day you face the struggles of life, doing the work that was always meant for two but doing it largely alone. You have to be father as well as mother. You run your household, watch over yourfamily, sometimes struggle to make ends meet, and miraculously you even find the wherewithal to serve in the Church in significant ways. You nurture your children. You cry and pray with them and for them. You want the very best for them but fret every night that your best may never be good enough."

"With God’s help, you need not fear for the future. Your children will grow up and call you blessed, and every single one of their many achievements will stand as a tribute to you."

"Please never feel that you are in some kind of second-tier subcategory of Church membership, somehow less entitled to the Lord’s blessings than others. In the kingdom of God there are no second-class citizens."

One of my biggest concerns is that Ayla always feels the adequate love and attention that she deserves.  I hope, with all of my heart, that she never feels that she is lacking in these areas.  I hope that she feels my presence and is able to see past my short-comings and that everything I can give to her is enough.  I hope that she can feel the love from her biological father when she sees him and never doubts how much he loves her.  I hope that she knows how much Kyle, her future daddy, loves and cares about her.  I know that she feels the love from her extended family, I can see it in the way that she lights up when she talks about them and how excited she is whenever she sees them.  I hope that even though she was directly affected by circumstances our of her control, she can be a well-rounded, smart, fun, happy, and loving little girl.

I hope for myself that my guilt will be lifted from me.  My bishop told me that with time and prayer and patience the burden of the guilt I feel for so many things will be lifted from my shoulders.  I have already experienced some lightening of my load, but it surely has not happened over night, and it surely has not been taken away completely.  I'm still on this long road and though I feel like those bumps and detours that put me so off course are behind me, I'm not smooth-sailing on flat pavement yet.

I am so thankful for this message from David S. Baxter to strengthen me and help carry me through the remaining time that I have as a single mother.  (Only a little over 4 more months!)  I wish that every single mother out there would read this message and be reminded that they are good and that they are strong and that really, they are not alone.

"Thank you, sisters, for all that you are doing to raise your family and maintain a loving home where there is goodness, peace, and opportunity.

Although you often feel alone, in truth you are never totally on your own. As you move forward in patience and in faith, Providence will move with you; heaven will bestow its needful blessings.

Your perspective and view of life will change when, rather than being cast down, you look up."

"Single parents, I testify that as you do your very best in the most difficult of human challenges, heaven will smile upon you. Truly you are not alone. Let the redemptive, loving power of Jesus Christ brighten your life now and fill you with the hope of eternal promise. Take courage. Have faith and hope. Consider the present with fortitude and look to the future with confidence. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

Wedding Prep. Update!

I HAVE MY DRESS!  Whew!  One big thing is checked off my list!

I had gone to a discount bridal shop with my dear friend Lauren to check it out.  It's in South Jordan so I wanted to see if it was worth taking family with me (my mom, Debbie, and Charity).  Turns out it was definitely worth it.  The dresses range from $100-$300.  This is great considering they are all originally over $500!

I tried on a bunch of different styles.  A BUNCH.  I quickly found out what I hated.  And I quickly found one that I kind of loved.  I even almost bought it.  It had a lace bodice, dropped waist, and flowing tiered layers to the floor with a mini train.  I loved how it hugged my body and was super pretty.  But for some reason, even though I was literally ready to pay for it and leave the store with it, I kept going back to another dress.  I had tried it on but it didn't fit right at all.  It didn't hug my body and it was falling off my shoulders and chest, which is really odd if you have seen my chest, usually I can't fit anything over it.  Ha.  I just couldn't stop looking at it on the hanger.  Turns out the one that I had tried on was in the wrong section.  It was a HUGE size just shoved in with the dresses that are my size.  When I made this realization I knew I had to find one that would actually fit me and put it on.  I did.  And as soon as it was on it was a done deal.  I knew it was the one.  I no longer even cared about the one that I was ready to buy just minutes earlier.

The first one, though beautiful, had a few things that I wasn't comfortable with.  First of all there was something weird about where the bodice met the skirt.  Lauren knows what I'm talking about.  I couldn't get past it.  And then the lace...  I have been telling myself that I wanted a lacy, detailed dress.  Apparently that's not what I wanted at all.  It just didn't feel like ME.  If you know me you know that I'm not a super fancy girl.  I don't dress up really girly-girly.  I don't like things with lots of frills.  So having something so... frilly?  Just didn't feel like me.  It was beautiful but it felt like I was looking at someone else's dress.  But when I put on MY dress it felt like me.  It's simple and elegant and leaves lots of room for me to accessorize.  That's what I'm good at.  Jewelry and belts and hair accessories.  I won't go into detail about it because my future husband reads this blog, so most of you will get to be surprised just like him when I finally get to see it on September 8th!  Just take my word for it... It's beautiful and so very me!

Also... It was originally $700.... I got it for $150.  Wow.  If you are in Utah and in the wedding dress market, seriously check out BX Two in South Jordan.  They are discount wedding dress shop only open on Saturdays.  It will be worth it.  They have sizes 0-20+.  Be warned, they are all modest dresses with sleeves.  If that's not what you're looking for, this isn't the shop for you!

I ended up buying my dress that day with Lauren.  I didn't get to have my mom and Debbie and Charity with me, but I couldn't walk away from it and there was no guarantee that it would be there 2 weeks later when my mom was in town.  I'm sad that they weren't with me, but I just couldn't leave without it!

Yesterday I bought my shoes!  I had looked at looked at shoe stores and department stores and I wasn't seeing what I wanted.  There actually wasn't a whole lot of red at all, and when I did find red there was generally a cork wedge attached, which I wasn't wanting for my wedding.  Last night at Forever Young in the University Mall I found my shoes!  $32.95 and perfect!  They are red, stripy, open-toed, and they have flowers!  EVERYTHING that I wanted!  And the heel is pretty but not sky-high so Kyle is still a good 2-3 inches taller than me.  I know this because he was with me when I got them so I got to stand in the mirror next to him with them on.  :)  This was a concern for me because I am 5'7".  That's not short!  And most heels are a good 4" if not more right now.  I LOVE super high heels, but I do not love being 6"tall or more.  I tower over most every boy that I am around and that's not a good feeling for me,

This was my inspiration for wedding shoes:

These are the shoes I got:

They are actually brighter than they look in this picture.  This is from instagram so they have a fancy filter on them which makes them appear darker.  I love these shoes!

Shoes and dress down!  Now I need to work on a red sash/belt for my dress and a birdcage veil.  These are both things that I am considering making on my own because they are $100+ at bridal shops and that seems excessive to me.  The veil I may end up buying because I don't know if I can make it look the way that I want it to, but the belt I know can be done by me!  I got fabric swatches cut at Jo-Ann's yesterday so that I can match all of the red's and blues perfectly since there are so many shades of both colors!  I was getting overwhelmed and lost every time I tried to look at the blue because it can lean more towards blue or more towards a greenish/blue.  Eek!  But now I have swatches and I know exactly what I'm looking for!  I had originally picked out paint swatches with Kyle at Lowe's so I matched the fabric to these paint swatches: (Again, these were put on Instagram so they are altered a tiny bit by a filter around the edges, but not much, it's pretty much the exact colors!)

I just found this perfect birdcage veil on Etsy for only $39!  I think it's a yes!

I also need to find the perfect aquamarine earrings and necklace to wear that will match my beautiful ring that I still stare at all day long.  Gosh, it is perfect!

I am loving every minute of planning mine and Kyle's wedding!