Megan Czarnocki Photography

I'm not even going to talk about how behind I am with this blog.  Nope.

I'm am going to talk about Megan Czarnocki Photography!  Megan is a friend of Kyle.  She is a photographer, and such a good one!  We have had her take pictures of Ayla, our engagement pictures, our bridals/groomals, and she'll be photographing our wedding.  I have seriously been SO happy with everything that she has done for us!  She's amazing!  My favorite thing is that she is so easy to be around and FUN, but she's still so professional.  I love her.  If you're in the Utah Valley area you should check her out.

Anyway,  here are a few pictures that she's done for us.  I've just chosen 3 from each session.  The bridals haven't been shown to people yet so this is a sneak peek!  WOO!

Ayla's pictures taken at Megan's studio in April:  (She has already grown up so much since then, it makes me sad!)

Our engagement pictures taken in June:

9/8 for September 8th, our wedding day!  (Seahawks and Packers!) And they say "LEE" on the back!

AND our amazing bridals.  I LOVE THEM!

Seriously, how gorgeous are those pictures?  She did the best job.  I cannot say it enough!  I am so excited to see what she does with our wedding photos and to do some family pictures in the fall!  (Megan, we need to book you for family pictures in the fall!)

Also, here's a peek at our wedding invite, if you didn't send me your address to get one!  Our wedding which is only 11 days away... WHAT?!?!  YESSSS!  (P.S. the red lines on the invites are just showing where the edges would actually be cut when printed, this is just the proof!)  Invites designed by Annette Ward Studio.  Annette was also really great to work with, and like Megan, local and so reasonably priced!

Busy, busy, busy.

I feel like my life is non-stop right now.  I am just go, go, going!  Needless to say, my documentation is falling by the way side.

I swear I will write more someday about what is going on in our lives, but for right now I just want to document one thing that I never want to forget.

It was a weeknight, we were just spending time at my house.  I was cooking dinner and attempting to bake a cake.  (I say attempting because I only have a toaster oven.  It was a fail.)  I was listening to music.  Ayla and Kyle were rolling around the floor.  Tickling, laughing, playing.  Just having fun.

Kyle looked up and me and said, "Can we be married already so this can be my life everyday?"

My heart just about melted.  I love him.  And I love our girl.  I love us together.  I can't wait to be a family.  And although I know not every night will be exactly like that, it will be perfect just to be together.

Whirlwind.

Almost daily I think about things that I want to blog about.  I have all these thoughts that I would love to write down and sort out and archive... but I don't.  I get busy and I get tired or lazy or forgetful.

But here I am with an update!

First of all- AYLA WENT POO IN HER "BIG GIRL POTTY" THIS MORNING!  I know, I know.   Gross. You don't care.  But this is really fantastic news for us.  I have been attempting to potty train her for like... ever.  I mean, she'll be 3 in November!  It's just so hard because she is in school for 6 hours a day and we are all over the place spending time with Kyle and avoiding our cramped quarters that we call home, so potty training just hasn't happened.  I have been feeling very discouraged about it lately and have been researching and brainstorming the techniques that I think my girl would like best.  Turns out she just needs to do it on her own time.  This doesn't surprise me in the least.  She took forever to learn to walk.  I thought she would NEVER walk.  And then when she was 15 months old she took off running and never looked back.  And then the talking... I was so worried when she took forever to start talking.  But again, when she decided she was ready, I swear she was practically speaking full sentences.  I have come to the conclusion that my stubborn daughter will do things her own way in her own time.  I need to start trusting that she really is listening and she really is understanding.  She just wants to soak it all in and show me in her own way.  Anyway, she has recently been telling me and her teacher at school when she needs to go potty.  And she goes!  She likes her independence and her privacy.  She wants the door shut and she wants to do it by herself!  My girl is so independent.  And so smart.  I am so proud of her!

One thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is the relationship between Kyle and Ayla.  I so love seeing them together.  I am truly lucky that I found a man who was so open to my little girl and is so great with her.  He has really stepped in and accepted her and he shows her (and me) every day that he really loves and cares about her.  And boy, does she love him.  When "Kylo" isn't there she is talking about him.  She is asking where he is, if she can see him, what he's doing, etc.  She turns almost every object into a pretend phone and calls "Daddio".  She has long detailed conversation where she explains everything that she is doing.  She still calls him "Kylo" but she has also thrown in "Daddy Kyky" and most recently and most frequently, "Daddio".  That one is my favorite.  It makes me so happy to see her recognizing him as a fatherly figure.  In true Ayla form; in her own way and on her own time.

As we get closer and closer (93 DAYS!) to our wedding and we spend more and more time with Kyle it becomes harder to be away from him.  It gets harder every time we leave his house in the evening and Ayla cries for him.  It is almost physically painful to listen to her laying in bed at night asking to be snuggled by "Daddio" when he isn't there.  I say, "I'm sorry baby, he's not here.  He's at his own house."  And she cries and says, "I want Daddio, mom!"  And I know exactly how she is feeling because I feel the same way!  We are so close, but still so far.

I cannot wait until we are married and able to settle into our home as a family and get into a routine and not be living this all-over-the-place lifestyle that I feel we are currently living.

When I was talking with my Bishop this past Sunday I mentioned that we were going on a trip with Kyle and his family this month.  He told me that he thinks every engaged couple should go on at least one trip together because the way you act when you are away from home and out of your comfort zone and together constantly can really show you a lot about the person you are going to marry.  Kyle and I were talking about this later that day and we talked about our trip to Arizona this past January.  If I didn't already think I wanted to marry Kyle before, I sure thought it after that trip!  When we came home from a long weekend of being together all day every day and having him two doors down in the same house I was depressed.  I was so sad that he was 8 miles away from us.  I remember sitting in my bed and sulking because it made me so incredibly sad to have that glimpse of what life living with him was like and then to have to go back to not living with him.  That was the worst.  And it has been increasingly hard every since then.  Especially since we are engaged and we KNOW that we will be spending forever together.  I just want it now!  I am not a patient person!  93 days... only 93 days...  We have come this far!  The wait is going to be so worth it!

I love our little family!

Exciting news... We had our engagement photos taken last week!  There will be a post dedicated just to those when I get them!

Also... My iPhone has finally died.  I am really sad about it.  I have over 3,000 photos and videos on that phone that are a'goner.  And now I have to have an old, ancient, boring replacement phone until I get eventually get an iPhone again.  Sigh.

A Little Legacy

I love journals.  I have blogged about this before.  Here and here.  I just love them.  I am so enjoying keeping a journal of my wedding planning.  It helps me keeps things organized and it helps me keep track of little details that I already would have forgotten had I not written it down.  I am already excited to be able to look back, years from now, and read all about planning my amazing wedding!

And even more exciting for me is looking forward to when I will be able to give it to Ayla.  When she is all grown up and planning her own wedding she'll be able to read through all of my thoughts and details and laugh about how OLD and ugly everything is!  She will be at our wedding and be involved in everything, but let's be honest.  She's two.  She won't remember it.  I want her to have this little piece of our family's history.  This little piece that is actually HUGE.  This wedding is going to make us a family.  Someday, when she is getting ready to start her own family, she'll get to read all about how ours officially got started.

FAITH, FORTITUDE, FULFILLMENT.

The first weekend in April our church has General Conference.  This is where our entire church (as well as anyone else who wants to listen) is able to gather and watch/listen to the leaders of our church.  This was one of my least favorite weekends as a child.  It required that I gave up not only my Sunday to TWO church meetings, but my Saturday as well!  As an adult I find myself so looking forward to General Conference.  I love to listen to these inspired messages and I can literally feel my Spirit growing stronger after every session.

This year there was one talk that jumped out at me particularly.  I literally feel like it was written for me.  There was a specific line that he said that practically made my heart stop.  I know that this was meant for me in response to my doubts/fears/concerns/prayers.  It was a message for single parents.   The talk is titled Faith, Fortitude, Fulfillment:  A Message to Single Parents.

Before I go into more detail I will explain how I knew that this talk was meant for me personally.  (Besides the obvious reason that I am a single parent and the title states "a message to single parents.")  David S. Baxter said, "Your journey through life has had bumps, detours, twists, and turns, mostly as the result of life in a fallen world that is meant to be a place of proving and testing."  This phrase made my heart stop because on December 8th, 2011 I posted on this blog an entry titled "Bumps, Detours, and Melt-Downs". (Click the title to follow the link and read the post)  If you don't want to read the long and depressing post I will sum it up for ya.  I wrote about my road to motherhood and my struggles as a single parent.  I have always wanted to be a mother.  However, my road to motherhood was not the one that I planned to take.  "I hit bumps and I took detours."  What are the odds that the words I used, literally the EXACT words, were used in this talk in conference from a General Authority?  Just... Wow.

What a fantastic reminder for me.  When 99% of the time I feel like an utter failure and I feel so much private guilt and quite literal physical pain and fear that I am not doing what's best for my daughter, this is what I needed to hear to buoy me up.

He says,  "Whatever your circumstances or the reasons for them, how wonderful you are. Day to day you face the struggles of life, doing the work that was always meant for two but doing it largely alone. You have to be father as well as mother. You run your household, watch over yourfamily, sometimes struggle to make ends meet, and miraculously you even find the wherewithal to serve in the Church in significant ways. You nurture your children. You cry and pray with them and for them. You want the very best for them but fret every night that your best may never be good enough."

"With God’s help, you need not fear for the future. Your children will grow up and call you blessed, and every single one of their many achievements will stand as a tribute to you."

"Please never feel that you are in some kind of second-tier subcategory of Church membership, somehow less entitled to the Lord’s blessings than others. In the kingdom of God there are no second-class citizens."

One of my biggest concerns is that Ayla always feels the adequate love and attention that she deserves.  I hope, with all of my heart, that she never feels that she is lacking in these areas.  I hope that she feels my presence and is able to see past my short-comings and that everything I can give to her is enough.  I hope that she can feel the love from her biological father when she sees him and never doubts how much he loves her.  I hope that she knows how much Kyle, her future daddy, loves and cares about her.  I know that she feels the love from her extended family, I can see it in the way that she lights up when she talks about them and how excited she is whenever she sees them.  I hope that even though she was directly affected by circumstances our of her control, she can be a well-rounded, smart, fun, happy, and loving little girl.

I hope for myself that my guilt will be lifted from me.  My bishop told me that with time and prayer and patience the burden of the guilt I feel for so many things will be lifted from my shoulders.  I have already experienced some lightening of my load, but it surely has not happened over night, and it surely has not been taken away completely.  I'm still on this long road and though I feel like those bumps and detours that put me so off course are behind me, I'm not smooth-sailing on flat pavement yet.

I am so thankful for this message from David S. Baxter to strengthen me and help carry me through the remaining time that I have as a single mother.  (Only a little over 4 more months!)  I wish that every single mother out there would read this message and be reminded that they are good and that they are strong and that really, they are not alone.

"Thank you, sisters, for all that you are doing to raise your family and maintain a loving home where there is goodness, peace, and opportunity.

Although you often feel alone, in truth you are never totally on your own. As you move forward in patience and in faith, Providence will move with you; heaven will bestow its needful blessings.

Your perspective and view of life will change when, rather than being cast down, you look up."

"Single parents, I testify that as you do your very best in the most difficult of human challenges, heaven will smile upon you. Truly you are not alone. Let the redemptive, loving power of Jesus Christ brighten your life now and fill you with the hope of eternal promise. Take courage. Have faith and hope. Consider the present with fortitude and look to the future with confidence. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

Wedding Prep. Update!

I HAVE MY DRESS!  Whew!  One big thing is checked off my list!

I had gone to a discount bridal shop with my dear friend Lauren to check it out.  It's in South Jordan so I wanted to see if it was worth taking family with me (my mom, Debbie, and Charity).  Turns out it was definitely worth it.  The dresses range from $100-$300.  This is great considering they are all originally over $500!

I tried on a bunch of different styles.  A BUNCH.  I quickly found out what I hated.  And I quickly found one that I kind of loved.  I even almost bought it.  It had a lace bodice, dropped waist, and flowing tiered layers to the floor with a mini train.  I loved how it hugged my body and was super pretty.  But for some reason, even though I was literally ready to pay for it and leave the store with it, I kept going back to another dress.  I had tried it on but it didn't fit right at all.  It didn't hug my body and it was falling off my shoulders and chest, which is really odd if you have seen my chest, usually I can't fit anything over it.  Ha.  I just couldn't stop looking at it on the hanger.  Turns out the one that I had tried on was in the wrong section.  It was a HUGE size just shoved in with the dresses that are my size.  When I made this realization I knew I had to find one that would actually fit me and put it on.  I did.  And as soon as it was on it was a done deal.  I knew it was the one.  I no longer even cared about the one that I was ready to buy just minutes earlier.

The first one, though beautiful, had a few things that I wasn't comfortable with.  First of all there was something weird about where the bodice met the skirt.  Lauren knows what I'm talking about.  I couldn't get past it.  And then the lace...  I have been telling myself that I wanted a lacy, detailed dress.  Apparently that's not what I wanted at all.  It just didn't feel like ME.  If you know me you know that I'm not a super fancy girl.  I don't dress up really girly-girly.  I don't like things with lots of frills.  So having something so... frilly?  Just didn't feel like me.  It was beautiful but it felt like I was looking at someone else's dress.  But when I put on MY dress it felt like me.  It's simple and elegant and leaves lots of room for me to accessorize.  That's what I'm good at.  Jewelry and belts and hair accessories.  I won't go into detail about it because my future husband reads this blog, so most of you will get to be surprised just like him when I finally get to see it on September 8th!  Just take my word for it... It's beautiful and so very me!

Also... It was originally $700.... I got it for $150.  Wow.  If you are in Utah and in the wedding dress market, seriously check out BX Two in South Jordan.  They are discount wedding dress shop only open on Saturdays.  It will be worth it.  They have sizes 0-20+.  Be warned, they are all modest dresses with sleeves.  If that's not what you're looking for, this isn't the shop for you!

I ended up buying my dress that day with Lauren.  I didn't get to have my mom and Debbie and Charity with me, but I couldn't walk away from it and there was no guarantee that it would be there 2 weeks later when my mom was in town.  I'm sad that they weren't with me, but I just couldn't leave without it!

Yesterday I bought my shoes!  I had looked at looked at shoe stores and department stores and I wasn't seeing what I wanted.  There actually wasn't a whole lot of red at all, and when I did find red there was generally a cork wedge attached, which I wasn't wanting for my wedding.  Last night at Forever Young in the University Mall I found my shoes!  $32.95 and perfect!  They are red, stripy, open-toed, and they have flowers!  EVERYTHING that I wanted!  And the heel is pretty but not sky-high so Kyle is still a good 2-3 inches taller than me.  I know this because he was with me when I got them so I got to stand in the mirror next to him with them on.  :)  This was a concern for me because I am 5'7".  That's not short!  And most heels are a good 4" if not more right now.  I LOVE super high heels, but I do not love being 6"tall or more.  I tower over most every boy that I am around and that's not a good feeling for me,

This was my inspiration for wedding shoes:

These are the shoes I got:

They are actually brighter than they look in this picture.  This is from instagram so they have a fancy filter on them which makes them appear darker.  I love these shoes!

Shoes and dress down!  Now I need to work on a red sash/belt for my dress and a birdcage veil.  These are both things that I am considering making on my own because they are $100+ at bridal shops and that seems excessive to me.  The veil I may end up buying because I don't know if I can make it look the way that I want it to, but the belt I know can be done by me!  I got fabric swatches cut at Jo-Ann's yesterday so that I can match all of the red's and blues perfectly since there are so many shades of both colors!  I was getting overwhelmed and lost every time I tried to look at the blue because it can lean more towards blue or more towards a greenish/blue.  Eek!  But now I have swatches and I know exactly what I'm looking for!  I had originally picked out paint swatches with Kyle at Lowe's so I matched the fabric to these paint swatches: (Again, these were put on Instagram so they are altered a tiny bit by a filter around the edges, but not much, it's pretty much the exact colors!)

I just found this perfect birdcage veil on Etsy for only $39!  I think it's a yes!

I also need to find the perfect aquamarine earrings and necklace to wear that will match my beautiful ring that I still stare at all day long.  Gosh, it is perfect!

I am loving every minute of planning mine and Kyle's wedding!

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Currently reading...

Sitting at work today I realized something.  I am currently reading 3 books and I couldn't decide which  one to pick up and read.  This made me smile.  I love books.  I used to read like nobody's business.  I mean, I was ALWAYS reading.  Now I never read.  Largely because the past 2 1/2 years have been consumed by a baby girl and every time I have a moment to myself I fall asleep.  Or the past 10 months or so, spend it with Kyle.

I have missed reading.  I need it in my life.  I feel like a better person when I read.  Reading also makes me want to write.  Reading beautifully written words that mold my thoughts and my actions makes me want to do the same for someone else.

These are the three books that I am having to choose from:

Catching Fire.  By Suzanne Collins.  The second book of The Hunger Games games.  If you've read this trilogy you know that they are practically impossible to put down and you're probably wondering why it's even a question whether I should be reading this one or not.

The Giver.  By Lois Lowry.  I first read this book years and years ago in school.  In fact, I believe our teacher read it to us and we had a copy that we followed along on our own.  This book changed me.  I have read it approximately 10 times and I still want to read it about once a year.  And even though I have read it so many times, I still want to pick it up and continue reading it.  (Even when Catching Fire is sitting right next to it.)  If you have not read this Newbery Award winning classic, pick it up.  You won't regret it.  I recently bought a copy for my boss.  The text I got about it said this, "The Giver was amazing!  Thanks!  Kids need books like this."  (Two exclamation points in that text.  This from a guy that I never see use exclamation points.)

Believing Christ.  By Stephen E. Robinson.  This book is assigned reading from my bishop.  This one I have a hard time reading at work because every time I pick it up, within minutes, I have tears streaming down my cheeks.  I highly recommend it to everyone.  Especially those who feel they are lacking on the spiritual side or struggling with their self-worth when it comes to the gospel.  
"The good news of the gospel is good news to me not because it promises that other people who are better than I can be saved, but because it promises that I can be saved--wretched, inadequate, and imperfect me.  And until I accept that possibility,... I have not really accepted the good news of the gospel."
"I am particularly fond of the way the Lord says this in Isaiah 1:18:  "Come now, let us reason together, saith the Lord:  though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."  I would like to expand upon this scripture just a little bit to make sure the significance of it doesn't get past us.  What the Lord is saying here is this:  "It doesn't matter what you did.  Whatever it was, no matter how horrible or vile, is not the issue.  The issue here is that whatever you sin was or is, I can erase it, I can clean you up and make you innocent, pure, and worthy, and I can do it today; I can do it now."


What books are you currently reading?

Wedding Organizer.

After the excitement of being engaged wore off a little bit (JK IT'S NOT WORN OFF AT ALL!)  I decided that I wanted a wedding organizer.  You know, one of those neat planners that you can buy at the bookstore that is full of ideas and checklists to keep you on track with planning your wedding.  So my dear friend Carissa and I headed to Barnes and Noble.  We gathered all of the best options and sat in the children's section to go over them while Ayla ran around like a kid in a candy {book} store looking at all of the books.  We finally settled on one that was giant and blue and had lots of places to write things, great ideas, and so many lists to check off.  I couldn't wait to get home and start filling it out.  


But... the more I looked at it the more I couldn't bring myself to even write my name in it.  It didn't seem right.  I mean, LDS weddings are so different from the standard wedding that this organizer catered to.  I wouldn't even be using half of the stuff in this book!  So as excited as I was to have it, I decided to return it and see if I could find something better and more suited for me.  I couldn't.  As I stood there looking at all of these great organizers and keepsake journals I had an idea.  I COULD MAKE MY OWN!  So I headed over to the journal section.  There were so many beautiful journals. Simple ones, ornate leather ones, Harry Potter ones.... I seriously considered a Harry Potter one for a good minute or two!  Then I saw the Moleskines.  I have a thing for Moleskines.  Well, I have a thing for all journals.  The empty pages that are just begging to be filled up with words and doodles...  But Moleskins especially.  I love the compactness and the smell and just everything.  And the red one was practically jumping off the shelf at me.  I picked up  my journal and made the exchange.  Even though Molskines are pricey, it was still over $10 less than the wedding organizer!  Bonus!


I will fill this little red journal with all of my thoughts, ideas, decisions, lists, and just everything having to do with planning and executing our wedding!  Here is a quick peek at some of what I have so far...

I love my perfectly personalized wedding journal/planner/organizer/idea book!

September 8th, 2012.

MARCH 10TH, 2012 SUNDANCE, UT

I have a memory involving my cousin Bevany.  As a child, I idolized my cousin Bevany.  She was older and gorgeous and funny and stylish and she had perfectly pouffy bangs.  I wanted to be just like her.  On one of our trips to Utah I remember going with Bevany to 7-Eleven to get nachos.  In the car the song "Going to the chapel and we're gonna get ma-a-a-rried!" came on the radio.  Bevany cleverly sang, "Going to the TEMPLE and we're gonna get ma-a-a-rried!"  I don't remember much else from that particular trip, and Bevany might not remember that at all, but it has stuck with me ever since.

My whole life I knew that when I grew up I was going to meet the man of my dreams and that we were going to be married in the Temple for time and eternity.  It's what my dreams were made of.  I even remember a wedding dress that I tore out of a catalog and kept in my room for years.  (I still remember exactly what it looks like and I still love it.)  As I grew older and as I found myself in relationships with people who did not have the same goals for the future, that dream slowly started to fade away until it seemed unreachable.

Then along came Kyle Lee.

Oh, Kyle.  This cute, terribly shy boy that I worked with but never spoke a word to.  One day we started playing "Words With Friends".  It's a scrabble game on the iPhone.  Super fun and super addictive!  It also has a chat feature which allows you to have conversations with the person you are playing.  I'm pretty sure this is where we had our first conversations.  And then we started texting.  And emailing at work.  And before I knew it we were constantly texting.  And we were constantly emailing.  But we still didn't talk in person.  I even borrowed his Criminal Minds DVDS and when he dropped them off at my desk I don't think he really even looked at me.  He was so shy and it was so adorable.  And a little known fact about me... if I really like a boy, I also become incredibly shy.

This cute, shy boy that I was talking to (texting) every waking minute of the day told me that he was leaving to Alaska for the summer.  My heart did a flip-flop.  WHY?!  There was no real reason for me to not like that idea, I could still text him while he was in Alaska, but I still tried to talk him out of it every day.  I tried everything that I could via text and email, short of begging, to get him to just stay.  But he didn't.  So the week before he left, we decided we should hang out.  He came over and we watched Criminal Minds.  And we basically sat on opposite ends of the couch.  I.  Was.  Terrified.  Of.  This.  Boy.  But he came over again.  And eventually, we sat closer.  We even kind of cuddled!  And then... this incredibly shy boy who couldn't even make eye contact with me at work KISSED ME!  I was over the moon.  So, so giddy!  But, even though he kissed me and it was wonderful, he was still leaving in a couple of days.

The day before Kyle left to Alaska I drove to his house and delivered him 24 FunDip Lik-A-Stix.  Just the sticks.  I had carefully taken 24 from their packages and wrapped them in a cellophane bag for his trip.  (He once mentioned to me that he wished he could just buy the sticks and not the powder.) We hugged good-bye and I drove away.  Leaving his house I was fighting back tears and I didn't even know why.  I hardly knew this boy.  I hardly knew him, but I sure knew that I didn't want him to leave.

The month that he was in Alaska was basically the longest month ever.  I texted him constantly.  I still emailed.  I missed this boy I had only spent a few short hours with like crazy.  Luckily for me, Alaska didn't work out the way he had planned, and he came home early.  He flew in from Alaska the same day that I flew home from a trip to Washington.  The next day he was on my doorstep and when I hugged him I did not want to let go.

Over the next few months we spent more and more time together.  At first we would see each other every few days outside of work.  Then every couple of days.  Then it was hard to not see him every day.  I wanted him to always be around.  Those months were tricky with introducing him to Ayla and really getting to know each other.  We took things pretty slow.  But by the end of the summer we both knew that there was so much more there than either of us was willing to say out loud.  Looking back I can really pinpoint when I first remember thinking to myself, "I love him."  I had gotten into a particularly ugly argument with someone and I was a wreck.  He met me in the Orem RC Willey parking lot at like 3 AM.  With Ayla sleeping in the backseat of my car Kyle stood there and hugged me.  That's all I needed.  I melted into him and nothing else mattered.  I didn't even care about things that made me feel so completely hopeless just minutes before.  I loved him.  I felt safe and I felt comfort and love.

I eventually got to meet his family.  I was scared that they wouldn't like me and really scared that they wouldn't like Ayla.  I already struggled with the fact that Kyle was willing to love me AND Ayla, I thought that he deserved better than a girl with a child, and if I thought that, why wouldn't his family?  But I pushed those thoughts aside and I did the only thing that I could do:  be myself.  And I slowly fell in love his family too.

Jumping back to September 2011.  Kyle went to Green Bay.  He got to go see his beloved Green Bay Packers play the opening game of the season in Wisconsin.  How amazing is that?!  If I thought having him in Alaska after just spending a few days with him was hard, having him gone for 4 days at this point was torture.  I didn't know how I would possibly survive!

Sent to Kyle while he was in GB.

When he was gone he sent me these lyrics:

What if I told you that I think you're perfect?

Beautiful sky in your eyes, it's so worth it.

I know you make me feel alive.

What if I told you that I'm in forever?

Nothing to hide, yeah, I'll go wherever you go.

You make me feel alive.

And I'll be hanging on every word you say to me.

Hanging on a feeling that I get,

Cause you make me

Laugh a little louder

Love a little harder.

And I feel alive when I'm with you

Every time it's something new.

Never knew what love could feel like

Until I walked away the first time.

And I feel alive when I'm with you.

Deep inside it's something true.

You're the only reason I fight,

You're the best thing in my life

When he came home we hugged and hugged and again, I didn't want to let go.  We listened to this song and he told me he loved me for the first time.  And even though I had felt it for so long I was always too scared to say it out loud.  That was September 10th, 2011.

Fast forward to today and I think about all of the great experiences that we have shared so far.  We have had so much fun!  Everything feels so complete with Kyle around.  I can't even think about him not being in the picture, I don't know how I was ever without him.

This past weekend Kyle took me snowboarding.  I had never been before.  I've never had the desire to go.  I'm not sure how eager I am to go again... :)  I went with him because he hadn't had the opportunity to go this year and I thought, why the heck not, I am willing to learn for Kyky!

Long story short- I need professional help.  I mean really.  I couldn't even stand up on the board!  After taking the lift up the mountain and trying and failing over and over I was in tears.  My tailbone was killing me!  I was sure that the next fall was actually going to break my back!  I was holding my board and walking down the mountain with my goggles on, silently crying.  I told Kyle to just ride down the mountain and that I would meet him at the bottom, but he refused to leave me.  He held my hand and walked with me while I cried and walked slowly.

Part way down Kyle suggested that we sit in the shade of some trees and take a break.  I didn't fight this because it was SO HOT on that mountain and I was hurting!  We sat and talked and laughed about how ridiculous I was and we drank some capri suns.  While getting ready to trek back down the mountains I heard Kyle (who was sitting slightly behind me) say:  "Can I ask you a question?"  I, of course, said yes not thinking anything of it.  I was putting on my gloves when he started talking about a ring.  I turned around and saw a black box in his hand and I instantly started to cry.  He asked me to marry him and I cried even harder.  I said yes (I actually think that I said "yeeeeah" through sobs).  He gave me the most beautiful ring that I have ever seen in my life.  I put it on my finger and then made him put it back in the box and back in his pocket so that I didn't lose it in the snow!  I hugged him and cried and kissed him and told him I loved him.  People on the ski lift above us yelled at us to stop making out!  We made it back down the mountain as a newly engaged couple.  I don't think I've stopped smiling yet.  Every time I look at my beautiful ring or my amazing fiance I think about how blessed I am.  I found the man that I am going to spend eternity with.  Ayla and I get to have Kyle forever.

This morning I booked the Salt Lake Temple for September 8th, 2012 at 10:20 AM.  It's official.

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!

(Be prepared for so many more wedding planning/love-filled posts to come!)